5:08am. i’ve been up since about 2:30am. bleh. can’t seem to get this sorted. no idea why i’m popping awake like this. i’ve cut down on the caffiene (grr), i’ve avoided napping, i’ve upped and then lowered the water intake. everything but played with the lighting, really.
i think i’m just going to have to admit it’s some form of seasonal thing. cabin fever, maybe? that would make utter sense.
what’s on my mind? well… glad you asked! as usual, i’m stewing in my own thoughts. mostly melancholy, but not overly so. you know the sort — wishful thinking and lots of sighs. i had hoped the man on the mountain might be someone i could spend time with, but he seems either too busy, disinterested, or just detached. not like i know, with all the silence. it’s a tad annoying, really. makes me melancholy.
i planned to ship him a track we spoke of last week, but then i remembered his email is a little on the miserly side. had a tile i sent to him bounce back because i’d managed to stuff his mailbox with a little recorded piece. (it was little, i swear!)
i sit here and think about that morning, that conversation. things i didn’t pay much mind at the time seem to loom a bit now… of course, that’s likely just me thinking too hard. still… how many morning coffees does a gal have where, within the space of the first hour, it’s made all too clear he’s been up late due to doing the ‘playah’ thing with someone?
the phone rang twice during my visit. another femme friend, this one with kids. they’re going to fly kites. i actually felt envious of flying kites. well, no, that’s not quite true. first, i felt envious of whomever had his phone number.
anyway…. i remember i used to fly kites at stone mountain with regularity. somewhere here is the tale of the day i gave away my best one to a little boy who (between him and his mother) didn’t look like they got to enjoy much beyond being at the mountain.
i remember her trying to refuse. hah. as if. told her if she didn’t let him have it, i’d just put it in the trash. i would have, too. always amazes me that some people would just about starve than accept a gift freely given.
i do wish i’d had a camera that day. the look of that little boy flying that kite is stamped in memory. that smile. i sure hope he got to keep and fly that kite for a long, long time.
sigh. yes. envious. silly me. not so much for the kite. hell, i can buy a kite anywhere… more for the notion that…. meh. nevermind.
i’m lightly bemused that i’m still thinking about him. then, of course, i kick myself. i’m tired of pining for possibilities unrealized. i think it may be time to do other things and let the whole “where is ‘he’ ” thing take a flying leap for a while.
i reckon you could say i miss the days when the phone would ring with invitations to go… to do. i do a lot on my own. i’m comfortable with myself. just lonely. fits and phases, of course… but the outcome of all the effort in february was like a sledgehammer to a balloon. feeling kind of deflated.
i’m considering trying to form a writer’s group. weekly meetings at the local shop to read/share work and give critique. it’s a touchy thing, though. most groups of this nature quickly turn political unless you’re very careful. i’ve run them before, but it’s been a while. in my spare time, i’m mocking up a ruleset for it and, once i feel comfortable with it, plan to ping the local freebie neighborhood outlets with announcements and see how it goes.
that should do a lot to relieve the weight of the loneliness. i’m working on reminding myself that just because they aren’t beating down my door like they use to doesn’t mean i can’t find ways to be around folks and have a good time. but i won’t lie — it sure would be nice to have a damn knock now and then.
sometimes i feel like opening my front door and screaming to the world at large, “i wish you knew what you were missing here!” but i suppose it would be more accurate to just whisper, “i’m missing you.”
yeah, melancholy.