i am considering something that, for me, is both a huge leap and a very bizarre notion. i am considering trashing all but the creative efforts from this blog.
i don’t mean archiving them elsewhere. i don’t mean sticking them in a box. i mean absolutely redacting them, pitching them off the cliff into the abyss and remembering them no more.
archiving is my way of remembering. the only time i turn to the archives is when someone has asked me to explain something of myself. i’ve been using all this history to tell people who i am. and you know what? all that history is NOT who i am.
wow. that’s a heck of a lot more powerful a statement than it may seem.
i cannot quite bring myself to do it just yet. i’m still afraid i’ll miss it. or, for some odd reason that doesn’t rise in this moment, i’ll need to have it in writing and it won’t be there anymore.
as a friend deftly pointed out to me, that’s just echoes of ancient abandonment issues. i know it in the front of my head, but not yet in the back.
it would be one half of a new commitment; to put only creative efforts on the blog. to stop recording daily disappointments and pains. in a way, it’s obvious — sure will be easier to let those moments pass and be gone if i’m not forever remembering them and recording them.
but it’s also kind of scary. i mean, i feel like i have so little these days. if i give this up, what’s left?
from the shrouded corner of the attic, someone whispers, “life.”
huh.