as usual, the onset of this cycle is tearing me up. insomnia and anger mostly. i’m pretty sure these are the result of biting it back until i just can’t anymore and then, going off into the woods (so to speak) and clawing up the trees and baying at the moon until it’s all out of my system.
poor trees.
as odd as it may sound, it feels good to be angry. maybe it is just having found the way to enjoy whatever is here, but i swear, i can feel my body temp rising and the way it wafts off me in waves and i actually enjoy the way people get the fuck out of my way. it’s like they can feel it. even though we’re all perfectly polite and facial expression isn’t angry (most of the time).
i’m not thinking about any one person i’m angry with… it’s more a sense of ‘fuck… you… all’. like the darkest parts of me are just grabbing the rest of me by the shoulders and saying through gritted teeth, ‘come on, we’re DOING this.”
the flip side (the part that doesn’t usually make it here) is how this time always brings with it a fairly intense focus on doing things for myself. almost to the point of being outright selfish. no, i don’t care what you want right now. no, i’m not going to put you first. no, i’m not interested in your needs. this time is for me.
i had a downright vicious conversation with someone last night in which they made the mistake of telling me that i am ‘supposed’ to love them unconditionally. my response? typical pit bitch style:
“i’m not perfect. i’m human. you don’t want unconditional love, you want the right to abuse others with impunity. you want unconditional love? maybe you should take a step back and check yourself on the premise that it isn’t about you getting what you want all the time, it’s about being willing to care regardless conditions. obviously, i’m still here and still care, but that doesn’t mean i cannot tell you that you’re being a selfish cunt and that i’m tired of bleeding for you.”
there IS a difference between loving without conditions and submitting to abuse. how you let people treat you tells them how you think of yourself and how you think of them as well. ask yourself — what kind of person permits abuse? what does it say about their self-view and how they view others?
granted, i do not permit others to physically abuse me. but it seems i have a real issue with allowing them to emotionally and psychologically abuse me. lingering remnants of the ancient wounds, of course. not quite healed. but getting there. and i think perhaps that is what this is about.
it doesn’t have to be an extreme (even though it often seems it is because the balance is not yet understood). i have not yet found the healthy balance. but i’m close. i can conceive of it. that’s a hell of a lot more than i could say five years ago.
it’s all good. even the anger. giving up on denial is a relief.
ok. off to try and sleep again. wish me luck.