it is a quiet day. most are. it is not a bad thing. the kind of ‘excitement’ i usually have in my life is something that makes quiet days delightful.
i find myself once more wishing i had someone with whom to curl up and spend this quiet day. giggles and closeness under covers, or sharing the sofa and a movie, or sitting somewhere in the middle of nowhere… just taking.
companionship. the feeling of closeness and care. i want this.
sometimes i think maybe i was wrong to leave new jersey. there were a lot of things missing there, but i had companionship. i had the knowledge of being cared for.
sometimes it seems so very ‘all or nothing’. i don’t quiet understand it. the fellow in new jersey cares for me, but the environment is horrible and was …. well… there were other things that made it impossible. things that i know have not changed.
it’s only solitude that makes me think of returning. i cannot. will not. if nothing else, the lesson for me in new jersey was learning that i know myself well enough to know i cannot settle for less than i know i need. and yes, though it is often heavy, i’d rather be alone than discontent.
that’s the odd thing. i’m not discontent. not really. my day to day life is not bad whatever. i’m just aching for someone to share it with.
and i am learning that trying to share it with friends only works so far. at a point, the line between friends and what i need becomes so pronounced that it just makes things worse. so i pull back, because i’m tired of adding stones to the weight.
actually, i don’t always manage that. sometimes i try to pull them over the line. hardly fair. to anyone. when i see myself doing it, that’s when i really withdraw. the only thing worse than aching for companionship is hurting the friends you love in the process.
unrelated thought – i’m going to have to get up at 5am all this week because i’m working ten hour days to insure i have a full paycheck for rent. bleh. that means i’m to bed by 9pm at the latest. most likely, i’m going to be dragged this week because my sleep schedule has never been cooperative with this kind of change.
i’ve spent most of the day playing with daka. he’s happy for it; presently passed out on the rug. heh. worn slap out, the little furball. makes me smile.
i consider going to sleep. i feel drowsy. languid and lazy. it’s gorgeous outside. i’d like to go do something. maybe the coffee shop. can’t afford it, though. so i just sit and think of how nice it would be instead. maybe next week.
just trying not to let the mental feedback get to me. i don’t dare think about memorial day itself. skipping over it even here. too much angst for how the world is. bleh.
i should get a library card again. actually, they won’t issue me one until i get a state driver’s license. that entire process is ticking me off. i guess i could go online and study their damn propaganda so i can pass the damn test and transfer my license. but it bugs me and my stubbornness has been keeping me from it.
i need to get over that. my georgia tags expire in august. pragmatism is setting in. i’ll have to do something about this soon. meh. second week in june, i guess. license first, then tags, registration, and title. then i can get a damn library card.
i hate bureaucracy. actually, i hate society. all the rules. etiquettes. control mechanisms that do little more than remind you that most of the world only thinks of you as a cog in the greater wheel.
ok. ok. shutting up now or i’m going to get all wound up and that’ll ruin me for the rest of the day.
hope your holiday goes well. hope you’re outside enjoying. hope none of what is in this post is anywhere in your world or your head.