if you catch that song reference, i’m impressed.
my roomie has a friend of his over to watch the most ridiculous set of adult (?) cartoons imaginable. i sat in for two episodes before giving it up. i don’t find it funny and it wouldn’t be helpful for me to say so. heh.
not much else happening. turns out the roomie is unhappy at work and has a passel of self-inflicted drama in relation to it all. so, after trying to avoid being the landfill to hear about it all, i’ve given up and sat down and had a single session ’round’ at it with them. advice given, i’m done with it.
it occurs to me that one of the results of this move is that i’m going to have to both be involved and somewhat sensitive to my roomie’s circumstances. it is an adjustment. it may sound cold, but i dislike having to set the interests of others over my own, particularly when i have no control or influence on any of it.
in the back of my head, the girls are already grousing, but i’m thinking perhaps i’m the one being mildly unreasonable. kind of backlash against the years of doing everything for everyone. and this person had nothing to do with that. additionally, they are ‘good people’ overall and i suppose i need to stop looking/waiting for people to take advantage of me.
so… i’m choking back the reflexive ‘look, this isn’t involving me, kindly don’t give it to me to think about’. and putting a little bit of the ol’ kindness to work. it’s not that difficult really, i’m just kind of annoyed with not feeling like i can speak my mind on it. i’m not exactly used to reigning my thoughts back. (wry grin)
anyway….
all unpacked but for the books and took a short video to show you the room. i likely won’t be doing a ‘house tour’ because nothing outside this room is a reflection of my ‘touch’. i like this room. the color, the size, everything. i thought about it a bit today and laughed for the notion that i could actually live in a space this size were it a studio or whatnot.
sometimes it surprises me how streamlined/simplistic i’ve made my life. i said i was going to do it after the dot com bust. let this video be the proof that i’ve managed it.
frankly (just between you, me, and the fencepost), i leapt into this abruptly because the drive and cost of gas were eating me alive and i was not at all certain i could find anything on my own. i like it here, but i will not lie — there is part of me that is already not liking having to share living space. meh. i’ll settle down a bit on that soon, i know.
in the meantime, i’m looking for a light bookcase (hah!) to get the rest of the boxes unpacked. and i’m also in the midst of the semi-annual ‘paring down’ of things. i’m going to be donating old clothes that i never wear to the thrift store. i’m likely also going to strip down all but the buddhism and collectible books.
i’ve been able to rip the movies to avi format, so i may just get an external drive and rip them all then either sell or trade them for others i’d like to add to the collection.
somewhere between getting to this state and making this move, i managed tor trim two boxes out of the mix. so instead of five this time, there were three. i suspect i’m not going to be satisfied until i can put everything (except the imac of course) in one suitcase or box.
i suppose it will sound odd, but i have been having dreams about living in my truck. it’s laughable, really. but i actually think about paring down to the point where i can actually get on a flight to europe and have everything that matters to me with me.
it’s official. seattle has been replaced. heh.
when i think about it, i’m mildly surprised that this is my life. i’m not really discontent in any area but my companionship/love live… and i’m learning (albeit slowly) not to let that eat me alive. it comes in fits and starts, of course. i’ll have a space of time when it just doesn’t matter and i feel happy and liberated and free and then comes the clouds and i spend a bit of time bawling like a baby and moping and generally being my own little black cloud factory.
i guess that’s life, really. i don’t know anyone who is happy all the time, nor sad all the time (the latter with the caveat of have some manner of profound denial in play when it seems like it ‘the norm’ for someone).
i have times when i look back over the years of my life and it sure looks like i’ve been unhappy all my life. but i know that isn’t true. i have had many unhappy and unhelpful things happen, but that isn’t who i am. and it never has to be. of course, i sure wish i had longer spaces of happiness. sometimes it does seem like i’ve missed a lot of what many people have. on the other hand, i’ve had a lot they never will (good things) and i reckon any time you’re comparing, you’ve already missed the point, eh?
all the flipping and twisting aside, i am a good person with a keen mind, a strong spirit, and a kind hand. if i am never able to say anything more than this, i’ve still been able to say quite a lot.
whiplash topic change….
i’ve been working on my perspective in relation to men, companionship, and love. i am finally, firmly convinced i’m not going to ‘meet someone’ and you might be surprised what a relief it is. i’m also firmly convinced that the love i carry for others is helpful to me and to them… and i really need to get to doing more than only sometimes meaning it when i say i’m good with what is as it is.
my ego doesn’t like giving that up. heh. oh well. tough shit, i say. little bugger hasn’t won a round yet and i suspect that trend isn’t going to change.
what likely is going to change, however, is the degree of myself that i allow to remember and nourish the sense of love that is more than intellectual and spiritual. i can’t afford the hormones anymore. the feelings are going to come and go as they damn well please, so i’ll not tell the lie that i have any control over them outside of hammering the physiological aspects into control.
intellectual love doesn’t hurt as much because it doesn’t need as much. and i need to learn how not to need, this has become rather obvious.
i suspect an unfortunate side effect of this learning is going to be a general cooling of being in relation to those i love. i call it unfortunate because i know there are those who enjoy that part of things. but i am certain once they realize that it hurts me, they’ll understand and be as helpful and caring as they are in any other moment when they discover something is hurting me.
woof. this has gone much longer than intended. i’m off to shop for bookcases. i hope your night goes well…. and just because i want you to hear it, i’ll say again that i love you, i miss you, and i always look forward to hearing from you. so keep in touch, eh?