someone, i forget who, once said that the problem with humans is that they are never content. they also said that all the trials and sufferings of humanity rise from their inability to sit still. it amused me at the time i read it, mostly because of its profound simplicity.
most times, we laud these things in humans. we call them ‘courage’ and ‘curiosity’, we name them intrepid persistence and goodness knows how many other adjectives.
but, at the end of the day, humans usually don’t know when they have enough or when they should be content.
i am, most definitely, human.
my new roommate is someone who, i know for fact, has a keen interest in me. yes, that kind of interest. as you may know, i have no such interest in anyone but for one so far out of my reach as to be living in an yet to be discovered universe. perhaps even an alternate one.
i laugh at myself. all the things i have told myself (or others) over the years; great pearls of wisdom i am too stubborn and hypocritical to heed myself.
what is it that makes a human so unwilling to savor a possibility before them in the name of one that, if known whatever, is only known as an impossibility?
i ask myself this question and the only response i can come up with is an odd combination of stubbornness, hope, and delusion.
isn’t it odd how we hang ourselves with such intellectual ropes? frankly, i am not interested in this fellow both because i must rely upon him as a roommate, because i work with him, and because he is entirely too eager for my comfort.
you know the sort, the ones that are so lonely and so despairing that they, quite literally, will take whatever they can get.
i suppose it will sound cold, but i do not wish to be the ‘whatever they can get’. i know myself as more than this and it is damn near insulting that this person’s interest is so keen so soon and for nothing more than the fact that i happen to be female, single, and in proximity.
of course, i keep this to myself and purpose to be a good friend and kind as i am able. thusfar, it is not a difficult balance to keep. i am hopeful he will meet someone soon and thus will pass the sliver of discomfort that rises for all this ‘hungry dog’ perspective.
i am well aware many women would use the situation and circumstances to benefit themselves. sleep their way out from under rent, perhaps even fuck away his disposable income. sometimes, i am ashamed to be female. i have many times heard women talking about this manner of thing. it disgusts me.
maybe some day kamma will be kind enough to visit me in beneficence for the many chances at wrongful activity and intent that i have refused to engage. i don’t do it for that reason, of course. i say that first sentence wistfully, wryly, and with the full understanding that nothing ever has or ever will come my way for my adherence to my own ethic, standard, and honor.
indeed, i have lost more than i have ever had for keeping to any of it. i suspect that trend will not change. but perhaps, someday, to find someone like myself with whom the waiting may finally be put to rest.
or, if not, at least the continued capacity to use the fuel it creates to positive and creative ends.
got to take it where you can find it.
not much more in my head on this sultry, pre-summer evening. i suppose the roast chops will be done soon and after dinner, i’ll game a bit until sleepy.
hope your evening has gone well and you are comfortable, content, and cherished.