awake at 3am, though this time with reason. roomie making noise as he finally decides to sleep. alas, to bed at 10pm means over the threshold of sleep hours. i am awake for a time.
i sit in my room, in the dark with only the light of the monitor to type by. it matters not, i am used to ‘typing blind’ and many times have pecked out or pounded out words without looking…. for various reasons.
i will spend my budget of the hour early today, i think. mostly because that is what is in my head. i was dreaming and the lingering pieces of the dream still hang here, in my mind. i feel hyponogogic.
i am, of course, in love with my friend. it makes things slightly more difficult, but not as much more so as you might think. i suspect, like many things, i am a bit of an alien when it comes to love. it isn’t about ‘having’ or being able to tell someone else they ‘can’t have’. as you know, i’m in love with everyone just about, and more than happy to add to the list. in my experience, that’s just what love is about. you don’t enjoy it by hoarding it, but by giving it equally and freely.
it’s just about caring and being good to someone and having their happiness be more important than your own. actually, it’s not about having their happiness be more important than your own, it’s about caring for them in such a fashion that your happiness arrives to see them so. it’s a subtle difference, but also a profound one.
i say that like it’s a constant. you must know it is not. i’m human, remember? even as i’m pretty well off in left field on a lot of things. this means, of course, that i don’t always find or feel love to be like the above…. but it is safe to say that most times, almost all the time, almost…. i do.
it was the realization that this was going to hurt my friend that both convinced me to have done with it and to be serious about it. knowing that if i did not, we would lose the friendship in more lasting and heavier ways.
i’m not sure if i can explain it so well. i likely shouldn’t try… but you know me. (wry grin)
here, now, regardless my ego and the hungry part of me, i can know that i have done what is proper, right, and best for him as well as for myself. not only this, it is very likely also what is best for his partner and their son. there simply is not a negative aspect to it (outside the degree of negativity one might apply to not getting one’s way.)
were i to have permitted this to go on any longer (at all, truly), i would have begun the slippery slide into resentment and anger and blaming. kerosene upon the bridge and match in hand, nothing would have survived it.
and i’m pretty sure i’m not the only one who would have been doing so.
it is better this way. both benefit this way. and most importantly, neither of us crush or uproot the roses we’ve given one another over time. not only this, but, should there be, in some far flung future, a moment in which fears are assuaged and circumstances, changed…. we will smile to see one another and be reunited.
for these things, gladly, i will forego all things in this moment. it is a worthy thing to do from every perspective and it honors the care and love i have for my friend and for those who care and love him.
to demonstrate care and love by providing what is best for another (rather than what we think is best for ourselves) is very likely the deepest and most sincere gesture we can make.
or so i tell myself. i do hope i am correct. it would be quite annoying otherwise, now wouldn’t it? (wry grin)