on another topic, though in similar thematic vein as the previous post, these, the evidence(s) of the prosecution in the matter of illusion versus reality.
(1) in my illusion, we were friends. in reality, you saw me only as a virtual mistress. the evidence of this rests in your refusal to let the ‘real people’ in your world know of me.
(2) in my illusion, you kept up with me because you cared. in reality, you kept up with me only because you felt it was required. the evidence of this rests in the complete abandonment by you in every venue once the demand to be set a friend in fact was presented.
(3) in my illusion, granting you the benefit of the doubt was a demonstration of my care for you and my utter conviction that you would choose truth and openness in time. in reality, granting you the benefit of the doubt was a demonstration of my gullibility and optimism. The evidence of which rests in the year and a half of such benefit given only to find the shroud of secrecy as solid as a brick wall.
(4) in my illusion, you knew and understood that when i said i loved you, it was not the possessive, cultural, ‘piss on the doorway’ love that is so easily given, taken, broken, and thrown away. in reality, you could not see through that ‘social love’ to what i was trying to tell you. the evidence of it rests in the fact that you still think of me as ‘a risk’, ‘a threat’, and ‘a danger’ to you, to your family.
(5) in my illusion, we could meet as friends and savor being able to do so without the need for anything else and i counted it a tender and beautiful thing that this was the case. in reality, you never intended we ever meet, let alone that i might ever be that family friend. the evidence of this is contained in the previous statements but also born out by the utter disconnect as soon as it became obvious that yes, i was serious about being your friend…. an. actual. friend.
in closing, from the moment in which it was made clear that it would be friendship open and without shame or nothing, it has, in fact, been ‘nothing’….. the occasional one liner of guilt and no indication whatever that even the smallest part of how and why this was so important to me reached the mind, was understood.
i submit to the court that my own willingness to embrace illusion and deny reality is responsible for my current state of despair. but i submit as well that it was, at best unwise, and at worst, deliberately cruel to ask me to secrecy and dark corners when it was known… KNOWN how much that warmth and familial joy meant, even at distance… and how much i wanted to be able to celebrate it with and for my friend.
and now… now there is nothing and that’s all there ever will be. i’ll remember and he’ll forget. as always.
the judge keeps denying my motion to dismiss. so i’m stuck making arguments and hoping one will stick well enough to get a ruling. i’d settle for a dismissal without prejudice, but it isn’t going to happen.