back in in 2006, i wrote this piece (http://www.m3me.online/archives/187) after watching the movie ‘eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’.
it was a movie recommended to me by someone who was, at that time, very close to me and for whom i cared very deeply (as i do for anyone and everyone i allow myself to connect with in any way).
at the time i watched the movie, our friendship was on the rocks and dissolving. i could see it happening, i was powerless to shift or change it, and it seemed every effort i made in good faith or intent only made things worse.
it was a horrible, horrible place to be. and it got much worse before i began to in any way heal from it.
truthfully, i am still not fully healed from it…. though in comparison, i am light years from where i was.
tonight i watched the movie again. two years later and it still makes me melancholy for all the water under the bridge that i wish had not flowed. but it is not the sick and sorrowful feeling i had in 2006. more like a lingering soreness or stiffness in the spirit; the feeling of something once terribly wounded that has not-quite lost the memory of it.
oddly enough, the recent loss did not spike this feeling as i feared it would. i think perhaps some part of me really did know all along it was only a matter of time and perhaps i saved myself some hurt by keeping that ‘last inch’ safely tucked away under the suspicion of a reality that i was not ready to see.
i am surprised, frankly, how much this movie reminds me of heath. and i am surprised i am still willing to be reminded. i don’t think it’s limerence. oddly enough, i think it is stubbornness. even in the face of all reality, i am stubbornly refusing to admit it could not have been different.
i don’t suppose it really matters… well, except to me of course. oh tenacious me. heh. the pain i give myself for it is truly staggering. i am glad you have no real idea what roils about here, in my head. truly.
i miss those who i have cherished and loved and who have passed beyond my view. i don’t think this will ever change. i celebrate them and mourn them all at once. i suppose it is strange or perhaps even unhealthy in ways. the benefit it brings me is equal to the pain, so i grit my teeth when i must and smile when i can and try not to be quite so hard on myself.