once upon a time, two women sat at a coffee shop, talking. “i completely understand,” said the second woman to the first, “there have been many times in my life when i just wanted to pack up and take off and let the wind take me where it would.” she sipped her latte slowly, the caramel and foam forming a soft mustache that she licked away happily before continuing, “the thing that kept me where i was is probably a silly thing, but it worked for me.”
the first woman asked, “what was that?”
“the reminder i give myself that no matter where i am, i’m still stuck with me,” the second woman chuckled wryly, “that, no matter how much greener the grass seems, if i don’t see it as green here, it is very unlikely that i’ll see it greener elsewhere, no matter how delightfully so it looks from a distance.”
the first woman nodded and looked out the window to think. “it isn’t as if i haven’t had plenty of chances to demonstrate the point to myself over these last years,” the second woman continued, “and i’ve discovered that the ‘big happy’ doesn’t really exist, and, most times, the best you can hope for is enough of a sense of belonging or contentment where you are to feel as if you can manage both no matter where you are.”
the first woman glanced over and quipped, “so that was when you started moving around?”
“no,” the second woman replied, “i started moving around when i realized that where i was really didn’t matter.” the first woman blinked and shook her head, “i’m not sure i understand.”
“don’t worry,” the second woman chuckled, “most times, i don’t understand it, either.” the confused look the first woman gave made the second woman laugh outright, “what i mean is that it doesn’t matter where i am, i’m still with myself.”
“well yes, you did say that,” the first woman rejoined, “but you can’t mean to tell me that you like having such an unsettled life.” the second woman looked serious as she asked, “is my life unsettled? really?” the first woman said nothing, but the small moue she made conveyed her unspoken thoughts.
“i suppose it does look that way from the outside,” mused the second woman, “and it is true that, other than the seven years in alpharetta, i’ve not been in one place more than a year… two, tops.” she took her turn staring out the window and murmured quietly, “it has never seemed ‘unsettled’ to me, just the way it is. maybe it is my perspective that is warped.”
she thought about it briefly. there is a theory of psychology created by a fellow named Abraham Maslow in 1943 called ‘Maslow’s Heirarchy of Need’. it posits there are five levels of human existence and whichever one is currently on, one thinks no higher than that point. the base level is the physiological and includes ‘the basics’ like food, clothing, shelter, but also included things like sex, sleep, and excretion. the utter ‘bottom rung’ of subsistence in life; the things every human wants or needs to do.
the next level is ‘safety’ and here one sees the beginning of abstract identification with other groups or people, the ability to make one’s way in the world consistently, the skill and knowledge of that skill necessary to form a foundation or morality and ideology and to feel confident that one is able to create and sustain the things needed to maintain the feeling of safety for oneself (and by extension, one’s loved ones/family).
the third level is ‘love and belonging’ – literally, the ability to form and enjoy relationships with others and to establish and sustain intimacy.
Maslow posited that the fourth level is ‘esteem’, the total of which rises (by implication) from the degree to which the first three levels are secure or perceived to be secure by the individual, and is contributed to by society and culture as they affirm that security by acknowledgment, reward, or other methods of notice.
the fifth level to this hierarchy (which is often depicted as a pyramid) is ‘actualization’. this is generally defined as being ‘free’ to enjoin the intellectual pursuits and progress of the mind without constraint (i.e., concern of or worry for the lower four levels).
the interesting thing about this hierarchy rests in the assertion by Maslow that, when an individual is on any of the four rungs, their ability to conceive of actualization is impeded or outright impacted. this was something with which she felt comfortable, having witnessed it first hand on many occasions in life – the homeless person who would use all contributions to buy alcohol or one meal or any other short-term gratification rather than conceptualize methods of using money gained toward reaching the next level of the hierarchy.
she had, some years ago, concluded that shedding concern for something was the same thing as having secured it. after all, if you are so confident in your ability to manage something that you no longer fear being without it, could you not say you have attained security in relation to it?
she turned a smile to the first woman, “my life is completely settled, though i will admit it doesn’t look that way to anyone but myself.” at the first woman’s blank stare of surprise, she continued, “the nice thing about judgments and conclusions is that they only really mean anything or matter if you’ve made them yourself.” she grinned a little crookedly, “i do realize that’s not polite and i’m not supposed to say it, but i also realize that if i let the opinions and perspectives of everyone around me decide my own perspective, i would be crushed under the weight of negativity and impossibility all those perspectives hold.”
“i don’t get it.” the first woman said. the second woman smiled, “it’s about liberty. no one can make me unhappy but me. just like no one can make me happy but me. sure i’ve moved a lot in the last years, but i’ve also seen a lot of wonderful countryside for it.”
she continued, “sure, i’ve contracted and changed jobs and been riding a greased octopus… and yes, sometimes it isn’t exactly ‘fun’ as anyone (including myself) would define it, but i’ve met amazing people, have learned amazing things, have gotten extremely comfortable with myself and discovered the most incredible secret ever, quite possibly the very secret of life.” she grinned broadly and wondered if her friend would ‘take the bait’.
“what incredible secret?”
the second woman leaned in, eyes glowing, face wide open with a smile, and utterly without guile she whispered, “life is precisely what we think it is because we are creating it as we go and we carry it with us as history and as hope.”