something about being here has put me on a path of introspection and reflection. i don’t suppose that’s a huge change from ‘the norm’ but for the moments in which i see/feel it arriving as opposed to being all up in it and only seeing it as such after the fact.
i’m not real sure what brought it on, but i was thinking of heath today. actually, i was thinking about how long it has taken me to see things as he seems to see them. sometimes, seeing another’s perspective is pretty damn hard. but, all things considered, i am no longer surprised that things turned out the way they did. and the sense of needing to ‘try and fix it’ has finally wafted away. which is both a relief and a bit of ridiculousness; after all, it’s been almost three years and, obviously, i wasn’t about to see anything ‘get fixed’.
i was also thinking about a few other people who, over the last three years, have flitted into and out of my life. it’s odd, really. i don’t really have any ‘permanent fixtures’ insofar as people go other than those of you at distance who have been pen-pals and long-distance friends for so long.
i had a conversation with my friend and roomie today and he, i think, summed it up best. he said, “you haven’t had very much good fortune when it comes to friends.”
i often think this is somehow my fault, but what friends i do have in proximity always insist otherwise and i’m starting to believe them. it feels good to feel that there isn’t something ‘horribly wrong’ with me, that, for whatever reason, i have encountered some seriously broken or wounded folks and, in most cases, despite the fact that they slip over the horizon, they usually leave in better condition then they were when i met them.
i can’t exactly take credit for that, but i like to think i play some small part in it.
my friend, the one who has provided me with the place to land and from which to launch the next phase of my life here in Seattle, he tells me that i am too kind for my own good. i’m not sure that’s possible except to the extent that i tend to give far more of myself to others than is good for me, and i am forever feeling as if others tend to take and leave rather than make a mutually beneficial relation with me.
someone once told me that they thought i gave so much expecting something in return. i spent a good deal of time considering that, but in the end, am convinced both by history and my friends that is both a disservice to me and quite untrue.
i’m not sure what my point is in this post. i think it’s mostly just rambling, me to myself. reminding myself that i am, at core, a good person; someone who generally does far more for others than for myself. and maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to think about doing more for myself and not expending all my effort and energy on others for a change.
being better to myself would certainly make me feel better… and i suspect it would allow me to give more without feeling so strained or tired by it, too.
maybe, at 43, i’m actually ready to be good to myself and set it as being just as important as trying to be good to others.
hah. what a concept. (grin)