life brings me into very precarious positions on a regular basis. i’m trying to figure out if it is some manner of life lesson or if it’s just that i have a metric ton of kamma to settle while i’m here.
no details this time, sorry, but just to say i see this situation and its similarities to previous ones. i note the pattern and finally see it with foresight rather than hindsight.
best of all, i purpose to manage it differently. which is more difficult than you might imagine, since instincts and habits are still about and i’m not exactly someone who does ‘sharp turns’ well. (wry grin)
it makes me chuckle, because the truth is, it is not the situation that is precarious, it is me. though admittedly, life does seem to bring the same circumstances into play with alarming regularity (and i would be truly unbalanced to think i have the kind of control over the world required to see these external and far-flung factors converge upon me with this manner of regularity).
“the things we learn, we use to guide ourselves. the things we haven’t learned guide us by being kind enough to allow us to bump, bash, or crash into them repeatedly until we’re willing to admit they’re there.” – me, from goodness only knows when.
an admission: part of the issue is that i’m so afraid of people abandoning me that i leap at them when they show up. naturally, most people associated being lept at with an attack and they do what comes naturally as well – leave. you don’t want to know how long it has taken me to realize this, let alone do more than see it.
the important and helpful thing to remember (for me) is that any habit, no matter how ingrained, can be changed. any aspect of the mind can be shifted. this was an important realization for me, and one for which i had fallen into the same dreary despair as everyone else.
people assume you can’t change how your mind works. they assume they are ‘stuck’ with what’s in their head. when i discovered how untrue this was, and saw actual, clinical research that demonstrated it, i spent a few days in wonder, a few days in resentment for not reading more and sooner, and a few days in despair for realizing just how high a mountain i was looking at moving.
now that i’m a few months into it, and can actually see some teensy, weensy slivers of difference, i’m so empowered and enthused for the plan i’ve created that i just don’t know what to do with myself.
to let you in on how important and precious i consider this, understand, until just now, i have not directly referred to it. i have not told any of my friends about it. not even the ones who think they know me well.
i haven’t even told the Zetty’s (not that they would understand, mind you… but still).
i find that any direct or true change in being is precarious. and sometimes, scarey. after all, if you change who you are on a fundamental level, are you ‘you’ anymore?
that thought makes me laugh. little buddha girl whispers from the corner, “what made you think you were ‘you’ all this time?”
hilarious. 🙂