i’m not real sure where this is going to go. i am writing it completely in this moment. i was sitting on the patio, in the twilight, having a clove cigarette, looking at the nearly full moon and just letting thoughts surface and sink. and i had the thought that i’ve spent a good deal of my life giving my love away to everyone around me. then, it occurred to me that i never gave much of it to myself.
the ripple from that pebble of a thought is much greater than i thought it might be. i’ve moved inside now, and, of course, am sitting here typing, even as that ripple continues and continues.
i am thinking of all the people i love, have loved, still love, will love. and for every one of them i know, and all of them i do not, there is the secondary ribbon of thought echoing alongside the first, practially in parallel, whispering on the matter of all the love i’ve never given myself, asking me when i will spare a little love for me.
at first, i was annoyed by it. isn’t it funny how you always assume you love yourself, but when you stop and think about it, you can’t really pinpoint something that proves it? ok, i took myself out for a haircut and pedicure yesterday. i bought myself a pretty little nothing that caught my eye. sometimes, i give myself a coffee treat or a book treat or some other manner of physical item.
but that’s hardly the same as giving myself love. not the stuff that really nourishes the insides, the emotions, the mind, not the stuff that makes one happy to be alive and feel as if the world is a better place because one is so.
so i’m sitting here, now, thinking about that. what, precisely, would i need to give to myself to feel, to know, that i love me? oddly enough, it makes me cry. and the best way i can think of to describe it is to make it a spoken picture… and even then, it may not really convey it. i can do little more than hope that what i’m feeling is common enough that it will resonate and you’ll understand… even as i hope and hope and hope that you have no idea whatever what i’m talking about. does that make sense?
it’s funny to me, but in that bittersweet way. the image that seems to work is the same, tired ‘inner child’ one that people use. my inner child is sitting in the corner, arms around her knees, staring out the window of my eyes and seeing what appears to be all those happy people, families, friends, couples… seeing what appears to be people who have a very good sense of love for themselves.
she feels like she must be rather dim, or slow, or perhaps even stupid… because she’s never felt that way and she’s not real sure she can. she’s not even sure why she feels that way… but she doesn’t try to deny it because she’s felt that way all her life and it would be a bit like trying to say the sky is green.
now, here, in this moment, she… well, i… i am thinking that i shouldn’t let myself be distracted by trying to figure out ‘how’ or ‘why’ she feels this way. it really doesn’t matter how it came to be or why it came to be. this is what ‘is’ and when you want to move forward, you really can’t be bothered to try and retrace things… you have to work from where you are.
so.
how do you show yourself love?
i should think the first way and perhaps the most important way is to actually say it to myself. affirm, speak it out, make it more than a flash of thought in the mind that disappears the moment i turn toward it.
it does disappear the moment i turn toward it. well, it has until now.
and the thought that rises that says ‘don’t be selfish’ makes me laugh. even as it feels somber. how many times have i turned away from caring for myself because i was (am?) afraid it would make me selfish? as if this could possibly be a ‘black or white’ choice.
i used to talk to myself all the time. positive self talk is a powerful thing. i never used to think it was silly or a waste of time. the things you tell yourself form who you are, how you are. it’s been clinically demonstrated, though i’d have to work to dig up the studies. i used to tell myself every morning and night that i could do anything i put my mind to. that i was just as capable, intelligent, and competent as anyone else. that i mattered. that i had meaning and purpose for being here, even if i couldn’t put my finger on it or declare it objectively.
when did i stop doing that? hah. no. sorry, no distractions. back on track.
the second way to show myself love, i think, is to stop allowing myself to be in situations where i feel unloved. to refuse to let them be constants in my life. for that matter, to be as positively reactive in eliminating such things as someone who cares for themselves ought to be. naturally. there’s never a question when it comes to outright, overt abuse, is there? but what about the less obvious sort? or the slow toxicity over time? we’re not talking about what others think my boundaries should be… stars, it’s pretty obvious that others will always expect more and particularly when you’ve allowed them to have more than what is helpful to you (or causes hurt within you).
the third way to show myself love is to stop putting my needs lower on the pole. i have (easily) a dozen things i genuinely need to feel healthy and happy in life and i’ve not been giving them to myself for a very, very long time. you might be surprised to know about some of them, but i’ll not be telling you what they are…. the point is, i need to correct the matter and be consistent to myself.
if you care about yourself, you take care of yourself. period.
the fourth way to show love to myself is to allow myself to be involved in things that make me feel good about myself and my ability to bring good things into the world. creatively, recreationally, and a good many other -ly’s to boot.
the fifth way to show myself love is to do things like this… actively remind myself by making myself sit down and carefully document this. put it here so i can come back to it and read it and recapture the sense of rightness and hopefulness that doing this, in this moment, brings to me.
the sixth way to show myself love is to not overcompensate and withdraw from others. to, instead, savor and enjoy the known need to give to others and take enjoyment in their enjoyment…. and to learn how to enjoy their enjoyment even when it isn’t a direct result of my efforts.
i called this piece ‘inspirational’ because it was an inspiration that got me tookus off the patio chair to come inside and do this. initially, i had a thought about rambling on about ‘how to be more inspirational’ but when it comes right down to it, i’m not responsible for inspiring anyone else… and i think that, just maybe, the best way to truly inspire someone is to not even try to do it. to just be so good to yourself and so happy for it that it happens without even having to think on it.
most of the things that inspire me in life are seen from a distance and those who generated the feeling of inspiration never even know they’ve done so. that makes me smile, because it means a lot of things, not the least of which is that we have that potential built in, simply because we’re all human and we all have the potential to see such things in others.
that thought really does make me smile.
you know, it’s funny… i used to be so driven to ‘matter’, to ‘make a difference’, to ‘be someone’…. and i spent so much time dancing this silly ‘keep up with the jones’ gig trying to manage it. and i had to skin my knees and bark my shins and stub every damn one of my toes and basically land ugly hard on my tookus to even begin to realize that i never had to try so damn hard… and i’ve always mattered, made a difference, and was someone…. i was just too damn busy chasing it to realize i already have it.
no, i’ll never be someone ‘the world’ will say is any of these things. but that’s kind of the point… if you need the world to say it, you never really believed it of yourself. and when you believe it of yourself, you don’t need the world to say it.
at least, that’s how it seems in this moment. which makes it all so funny/silly/sad. i guess the real trick is to be able to allow yourself to become inspired by yourself now and then… and to remember any of this about yourself. i can remember when i always knew this about myself…. but the best part of this is that i don’t have to remember it in this moment. in this moment, i feel it and know it and best of all, i know how to maintain it.
well, i remember how to maintain it. heh. and now, i have it all here, in writing, so perhaps it won’t be another ten years for me to puzzle it all through again…. and damn, that will be quite nice.