i find i am restless and bored. i want to start work. i want to get back to ‘normalcy’. i want to start getting out again. these last few weeks of general confinement have reminded me that, while i’m definitely a ‘homebody’ by the standards of most, there are definitely degress of being so that i am not interested in and living with them now while i wait for work and payroll is wearing on me. grating, actually.
gaming is making it worse. hard to explain. i’m tired of the games, really. it’s always the same. same grind, same guild dynamics, same cycles. i’ve been trying to ‘get into’ the beta and for a day or so, it kept me distracted. today, i find myself sighing and saying to myself, ‘meh. guess i’ll game a bit.’
i’ve been slowly reading my new books but i’m happy to report most of it i already know and what i don’t is more semantic than methodology. i’m chaffing for the chance to get to work.
meanwhile, because of the annoyance of being restricted, i’m stubbornly disinterested in just about everything that i would normally take interest in or enjoy. the tiles and such aren’t drawing me. of course i know that’s mostly because there’s nothing new of late to ‘say’ with them.
writing? meh. everything seems redundant. you can only chop things so many ways before you have to admit you’re just spinning your wheels.
i actually splurged on a sketchbook and colored pencils and charcoals… but i don’t know why. i left them in the truck and other than a doodly bit i did while at the mall the other day, haven’t given them any thought. i think i only bought them because my daughter has been bugging me here and there to draw again ‘like you used to’.
i’m kind of low on inspiration lately for that. isn’t it odd? i have so much to be enthused for and i *am* enthused for all of it. but i tend to segregate between ‘work stuff’ and ‘home stuff’ and things on the home front are downright…. well… boring.
my roomie is a very good person, but our ideas of enjoyment are leagues apart and i just can’t bring myself to ask him to get outside and do something with me. also, he’s pretty much said not to count on him for such things. so that’s that.
my other friend here, who i was so excited about getting back in touch with? well… i wrote them well over a week ago all a bubble because i’m here and they’re here, and golly gee whiz, we can actually get together and have that coffee now and won’t that be amazing?!?
dead silence.
of course it’s just as well because after paying bills for this month, i’m skint until work starts. which brings me back to gritting my teeth and waiting to get to work.
i am very, very bad at handling boredom. i have, many times, called it my lethal enemy. Trungpa often said westerners should practice on facing and embracing boredom and in the context of ‘official practice’ i do, and i’m trying to put some of that practice into practice here and now… i’m just not doing such a good job of it.
then, of course, i start thinking about someone i used to spend a good deal of this kind of ’empty time’ with and how much i enjoyed that… and how i can’t do that anymore. for a variety of reasons.
then, of course, i sigh and spend a few moments trying not to cry, then get all angry with myself because it still hurts and i still wish it were different and there isn’t a damn thing i can do for it or about it and now i’m just… bleh. nevermind.
meditation is a remedy, i suppose. it helps when very little else does. but damn it, something about chanting away frustration seems rather unhelpful. i feel like i should be working on learning how not to be frustrated, not how to temporarily mitigate it.
bah. and, of course, there’s that part of me that is just sitting in the corner, quietly, without concern for any of this… and when i notice ‘her’, she smiles and pats the cushion beside her and silently reminds me that all of this, every damn bit of it, is just thoughts. just monkey minded floundering. and i can be at peace any time i’m willing to stop grasping about and trying to catch or hold any of this.
deep breath. in. and. out.
yes. there it is. you see? this place helps me find it when, often, nothing else can.
i’m bored. so what? i’m not bored. so… what? heh. yes. no. neither. both.
the sounds of my roomie in his room, playing warhammer, cursing at some RVR player who stomped him flat. i’m chuckling. one of the reasons i’m losing interest in these games (when i’m willing to admit that i am) is that it’s forever and ever amen about the competition and juicing up the negativities.
it’s just not where i am anymore. and the things i would enjoy aren’t possible in such places. in fact, i’m not sure they’re possible at all. but that’s just another thought and i’m not going to hold onto it, either.
i reckon this is just a splash on paper, really. ramble, vent, pondering, and self-examination. distracting myself with thoughts – be they about boredom or pretty well anything else – just makes things worse. so i spill them out here and then, forget about them. mostly. sometimes. for a little while. heh.
now i’m not bored. now i’m thinking about you reading this and the various reactions the various ‘yous’ will have to it. is it live or is it memorex? yes. no. neither. both. hah!
thinking of you, missing you, loving you, and hoping all is well with you.
every one of you. yup. (hug)