a friend of mine pointed out the other night that i am not writing as often here. today, i am thinking about this and the reality that i’m most often either busy with work, busy with running around after work and enjoying things, or busy reading a book (!!), taking in some music, chilling with my roomie, or playing with the cats.
and i feel badly for a moment because several things occur all at once….
(1) this is the same thing that michael was doing and i chewed his ass off for ignoring me.
(2) this is the same thing that michael was doing and i’m now doing it myself.
(3) as much as i love my online friends, i love that i have a life of my own better… and as selfish as that must sound, i’m ok with it because (a) i’ve never really had a life, (b) all those who care for me, including those here, have repeatedly asked me to get one, and (c) now that i am, i know they will be happy for me.
(4) my happiness for michael was outweighed by my need for contact and i wasn’t selfless enough to give to him what my friends will give to me.
(5) sigh.
you see? this is a lesson. and it was impossible for me to see it until i cleared the situation and was well enough away to be able to look back without denying what was sitting there to be seen.
i lost a very good friend because my need to be in touch with them was more important to me than their happiness at having a life and being there, in the middle of it, enjoying it.
now… i could give you any number of reasons why i am as i am, and most of them might even make you feel that i’m fully justified in my needs.
but none of them will ever justify trying to put my needs up as superior to someone else’s. particularly when i claim to care for that someone else.
i am crying, of course, but i am not hating myself. i’m proud of myself for not immediately feeling that meteric tonnage of self-loathing descend upon me.
the hard part about lessons is how they always arrive once it’s absolutely hopeless that you can recover the situation in which they are displayed.
the good part about lessons is how they are so indelible that the last thing you ever have to worry about is repeating the mistake.
i hope.
the best part about this is that the cycle in which it has all occurred is about oh…. 85% shorter than it’s ever been in my life. if this is ‘wisdom’, i like it and am damned appreciative of it, even if it did take the better part of 30+ years to attain and more bruises, blood, and belligerence than you could imagine.
things change. the buddhists call it ‘impermanence’. the contrarians say the only thing that doesn’t change is that everything changes. they think they’re pointing to a contradiction, but it’s really just a Truth.
all of this, i suppose, being my long-winded way of saying that i will still be posting, but likely not every day, and i’ll still commit to video here and there, but likely only when something really interesting has happened (or i’ve a new hair cut or color… hah!).
regardless, don’t ever think i’m not glad and appreciative and count myself frakking fortunate as all get out to have you in my life, even if thousands of miles away, even if we only really talk once a year, even if the only conversations we have are email, even if i disappear for months (or years) at the time.
i know it’s hard to remember sometimes (believe me, i’m admitting i suck at it myself), but i am glad you’re in my life in ANY capacity, i am glad to know you care for me, i am glad to say i care for you, and no matter what comes and goes, to the best of my ability, i work to insure that this changes only when i am gone from this silly dirtball.
i love you. (hug)