i am both very pleased with and very angry with myself, all at once. i reneged on a promise made to myself several years ago today. but i caught it and corrected before it became more than a momentary lapse of judgment.
so now i’m trying to figure out what, precisely, caused it and how to deal with it without needed to really be kicking my own ass.
there’s a point at which self-punishment not only is futile, but almost sadistically selfish. if you know you’re built to do things a certain way, you know your triggers, and your patterns of behavior and why they exist, you really can’t be too hard on yourself when you see yourself following them. they are you, you are them, until you figure out how to rehabituate yourself, anyway.
and punishing yourself for being who you are doesn’t build the pattern that pushs re-habituation.
so why bother with it?
i’m learning that my idealism is not the terminal, hopeless thing i once thought. this is a VERY good insight to have.
i’m also learning that i do not have to ‘bleed out’ for another human before admitting that i need to get the fuck away from them.
the blips of idealism and nostalgia for wishing it were different are part of who i am. not a bad part. not a good part. just A part. the mental voice says, “fucking deal with it, ok?” and then answers itself, “i am, bitch. get over yourself.”
hah.
anyway…
a good day at work. a good day at home. a choice made poorly, unmade before it could get in flight.
i feel good about myself. and tomorrow is friday, i’m getting a haircut AND new color. muahah. video sure to follow. heh.
thinking of you. missing and loving ya. hope you’re well and if you’re not, hope change finds you soon.