i’ve been on a buddhist binge lately. mandala books and an illustrated dhammapada and thoughts of resurrecting denimbuddha.com and other things.
part of me feels like it would do me well to podcast thoughts on the things i read and then, think about.
part of me feels like it’s pretty arrogant to think i might have anything worth saying (or hearing) on these topics.
part of me realizes that i, like anyone else, has access to the non-dual awareness and practice, even if halting and oh so human, is still worthwhile.
i’m a tad conflicted on it. heh.
but i’m sitting here looking at the illustrated dhammapada and a host of thoughts are flitting about and i suppose i mostly feel like… ‘why not?’
so. perhaps. i haven’t hooked up the xlr mic just yet, but perhaps. we’ll see.
in other, unrelated (?) news, i’m damn near morose lately. grumpy. keeping it all stuffed in the mental closet, but it’s really starting to get to me. the things i’m not going to talk about, that is. (wry grin) i’m not really ignoring them, i’m just refusing to grant them center stage. if they insist upon taking a corner here and there, so be it. obviously i cannot control that just yet (or i would be doing so).
so. meh. whatever. moving on.
i pulled everything except the mandalas and the rainbows and the lessons learned from the flickr site (http://flickr.com/people/exsultare_fenix)… tired of watching the hits on personal things go up while the things i want to receive focus do not because of it. so there, world. consider me poking out my tongue and making the most amazingly horrid face at you for it.
in still other news, i was rejected for financing for the dental work today. bleh. the one in the back that cracked in half three weeks ago is showing signs of possibly wanting to abcess. i’ve been massaging it and treating it as well as i can, but i’m not sure it’s going to help and i’m a bit frazzled for what’s going to happen when it finally kicks off, since the only thing holding my upper teeth in at this moment is that they’re wedged against one another (yes, the bone loss/disease is that bad).
but… i reckon i’ll deal with that when it actually happens as opposed to spending more time at this moment fretting for it possibly doing so.
i am annoyed that ‘dental insurance’ has a 1k per year maximum benefit. it sure seems the only reason for that insurance is to cover cleanings and xrays and such and pretty much anything else you’re screwed for… and by the time i can afford to do the work they’re telling me REALLY NEEDS TO BE DONE, the teeth they were hoping to save are sure to be goners.
fuckers. like it’s not bad enough that they hurt all the time, are prone to cracking, chipping, and generally falling apart on their own.
sigh.
i did say i was not going to fret it. hard sometimes, though.
i was trying to explain to my daughter that dental offices don’t ‘work with you’ on these things anymore. they just shunt you off to the finance companies and if you can’t get financed, it’s not their problem. got to love corporate america.
the daughter offered to co-sign, bless her heart. but since the finance company didn’t even offer that option, it’s rather a moot point. besides, i’m sick of not being able to do things myself. fuck it. i’ll wait it out and maybe things will change soon.
anyway, not much else to report. i’m feeling a bit lonely, but mostly because i’m missing my daughter (an expected outcome of her visit) and only slightly for lack of someone to cuddle (or more).
bleh. no sense in going there, now is there? all it ever does is make me angry or sad enough to cry.