the following, placed here only for my own learning, is an unsent letter. i write them often and usually do not keep them. this one, i keep because i still need the reminder. also to remind myself that the difference between good people and bad people is often nothing more than how much of what happens in the mind is allowed to manifest as action in the world.
also as testament that i’ve just as many horns as ever i had halos… and most people never know how thin the line becomes at times.
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Remember this?
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On Mon, June 9, 2008 9:16 am, ******* ****** wrote:
In your case, I’ll never count, but I don’t think I’ll ever have to.
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I do. I remember it and say, “Yeah…. Right.” Damn you for the lie and damn me for
believing you. I wish I’d never met you rather than go through this again.
How is it so easy for you to do, *******? Knowing how it feels here, how could you
do this?
The only answer that makes sense is that you just don’t give a shit and every fear I
ever had in relation to you was dead on to rights.
I have twisted on the hook of needing to know why, needing confirmation out of you
and not having it… and You’ve let me… because you know it hurts.
I still have moments where I hope maybe somehow it’s just a really bad
misunderstanding. But I know better and they’re not as frequent.
I’m working on shedding the feeling of care and accepting that yes, just like
everyone else, as soon as it came to anything that wasn’t ‘easy’, you disappeared.
I’m not as good at it as you are, of course, but I’m learning.
I kept telling myself I could forgive you. I told you that, in time, I was sure I
would.
I lied.
I will never forgive you for doing this.
I will never forgive you for doing the one thing you knew was the only crime here,
in my world.
I wish I didn’t need to send this. I really wish I could feel ‘done’ with you since
it is so very obvious how ‘done’ you are with me. But yes, I need to tell you
this…. that I’m not going to let you linger here like I have others who have done
this. I’m not there just yet, but I moving in that direction, as you will see.
I do not have to let you be another heart breaker. All it takes is realizing that
the lies given by you are proven as such in this long set of moments and the way you
continue to make it true by them.
I finally realize that it is perfectly alright to accept that you struck out…
perfectly alright to count them… after all, it’s nothing more than what you’ve
done.
Well, with the difference that I never lied about it.
Most people only get one. I’ve lost count how many I gave to you. They meant nothing
to you. Obviously. Maybe they never will, but it finally becomes moot, doesn’t it?
I realized the other day that, despite the feeling that I’ve lost so much, in
reality, I’ve not lost a thing. How can you lose something you never had, right?
Said and done. The last thing I needed. Thank the stars.
If you ever have the poor judgment to think of contacting me again, keep this in
mind to help you refrain:
If I hear from you again, ever again, in any form, I will make sure ***** hears
every moment of just how long and well you indulged. The pictures. The chat
logs. The emails. All of it.
Now that I know that’s all it ever was to and for you, there’s no reason to pretend
otherwise, is there?
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that promise is empty. Unlike you, when I make a
promise, I keep it, and I’m just angry enough to feel really, really good about
having the opportunity to keep this one.
In fact, you really should thank your lucky stars I’m not like you.