like the title says, i’m not. maybe it’s just the culmination of two weeks of rather stressful experiences ranging from fretting over the teeth to someone close to me undergoing a life changing and rather uncomfortable experience to the whole recruiting mucking up my going permanent early situation to feeling rather cut off and alone socially to … meh… tidal surges and full moon weirdness and thoughts of people i care for who obviously don’t give a rat’s ass about me and blah blah blah fucking blah — ie the usual, eh?
they say you can change the mind. goodness knows i’ve made progress in many areas, but three things just don’t seem to be changing. well, three sets of feelings in relation to three situations/circumstances….
despite my preference otherwise, i still miss and think of heath. i begin to think i will never truly forget him, which stings for a variety of reasons. sometimes, i think if i just had some sense of why he got so psycho, i could shake it. then again, he likely was psycho all along and it wasn’t until i got close enough that i noticed.
sigh. not like i’ll ever know for sure.
and i still miss and think of michael, albeit mostly with a sense of choked anger for feeling very much used and disacarded. it isn’t hanging with quite the intensity that i thought it would, which is a very good thing. it hits on the whole ‘abandonment’ thing which, if you know me, you immediately understand. if not, suffice to say, the only thing that cannot find forgiveness here is abandonment. the reasons reach back into early life and comprise a sensitivity to being abandoned that triggers an immediate, visceral, and utterly vicious response. i curb it. always have. but i can’t lie — the toothy, ugly things in my head are just to pieces and snarling for it.
the third is more or less the ever increasing sensation that i’m alone. that i’ll always be alone. not that i won’t have friends. but that at the end of the day, there will never be more than my pillow or whichever of the cats will sit still long enough to be cuddled.
i do realize the lingering of the first two are related to the last one. i’m sure if i could meet someone who was actually interested in me beyond being a ‘big sister’, a ‘best friend’, or ‘the girl i can tell all my girl problems to’, i’d snap out of most of this right away.
it’s kind of hard to put up with knowing every man you know is either utterly unattracted to you or worse yet, has a hard time remembering you’re female.
yet another sore spot. it feels too much like ‘not good enough’ and i reckon there’s a good bit of me that has never really gotten over/past feeling ‘not good enough’.
oh, they all think i’m smart. they all come to me for advice. they all look to me for strength and wisdom and good ideas. but never any more than that. needless to say, i wind up feeling unattractive, ugly, frumpy, and about a dozen other adjectives that i won’t bother putting on the ‘page’. then i get angry because men seem so fucking appearance driven. age driven.
hah. i had on fellow in north carolina tell me he could never have a ‘real relationship’ with me because i can’t have children. but, nice fellow that he was, he offered to fuck me for a while. *boggle*
i remember things like that and i wonder why i even care anymore.
of course the truth is, i want someone who knows me and cares for me and with whom i can share life and the experience of it. someone i can learn about, feel comfortable as with myself, and do unexpected things for that make them happy.
if you had any idea how much of my happiness rests on seeing other people happy… it’s a curse. and doubly so when i’m alone.
i have a damn good life. a good job. my health (generally speaking). a wonderful, smart, thoughtful, and truly precious daughter. two amazing cats. strength. strength. oh, and did i say strength? (wry grin)
i don’t think it’s asking “too much” to want to have someone to really share it all with… someone to give to me the sense of mattering in a direct, personal way and for whom i could feel the same.
and yeah, someone to make the pulse thump here and there, too.
i just don’t like the feeling that it’s never going to happen. and frankly, i feel certain it isn’t these days… which, of course, makes me sad, angry, frustrated, bitter, and maybe even a bit despairing.
which is, i think what this is all about. the sense of certainty is like a fucking cement block and i can feel the weight of it pulling at me more and more lately.
i wish it were as simple as ‘getting laid’. in reality, it’s more about finding someone who can fuck my mind well enough that i’d want them to fuck my body. my daughter says i’m too picky. i say, ‘why the hell shouldn’t i be, it’s my life we’re talking about here…’ but then, in the back of my mind, a little voice whispers, ‘yeah… at the rate you’re going, you’re going to pick yourself right into dying alone.’
sigh.
what do you do when you know you can’t settle and there’s nothing to settle for even if you were willing to do so?
some people drink. i’m not into it. some do drugs. bleh. as if. some just withdraw and i’ve been doing that more than i should… but it’s hard not to.
not real sure how to end this one. so i’ll just stop, i reckon. the nice part is, this doesn’t last long when it shows up… for all it feels like i’m drowning in it when it’s here. but i sure do wish it would go away. or that i’d find someone to help chip away at this feeling that it’s here to stay.
breathe in. breathe out. impermanence, remember?
mantra of endurance…. this too shall pass.