after spending several days twisting on the hook of my own wishes in the face of a rather bald reality, this, the final exchange with candidate number two…. a rather definite end of contact.
i am really very proud of myself. i did not respond until i knew i was certain i was done and i think i made it exceedingly clear that i am, in fact, done.
some context — this individual has been pressuring me for sex. i provided a number of reasons as to why i’m not interested at this time. some of the reasons had the appearance of being contradictory and one of them was a statement of my orientation to the topic and the standards and rules i set for myself.
this person decided my statements were ‘ultimatums’ and some time was spent trying to point out that at no point did i say THEY had to do the same as i did… but that this was my standard and i fully intended to adhere to it.
the remainder is, i’m sure, self-explanatory.
—
as he wrote to me:
> I’m going to be succinct here:
>
> 1) A big part of this was that you didn’t just say, “I want to be safe if we have sex. We have
> to use a condom if we fuck and I need to know if you’re having sex with anyone else.” If
> you had, none of this would have happened.
>
> 2) Thank you for acknowledging that you were being irrational. When I pointed out your
> conflicting statements, that’s all I wanted you to admit. Yes, there were overtones of
> ultimatum, but please ignore those as I’m realizing that’s not what I meant and/or I was
> over-reacting and/or I’m sorry.
>
> 3) I never said you were intentionally lying to me, just that there were statements you made
> which contradicted your assertion that you never gave me an ultimatum. I really never
> thought it was a conscious act of deception, but there was contradiction and denial of
> directly quoted words.
>
> That is all. I’m willing to let this episode go and move on. Letting it go does not mean I will
> forget it, but it does mean I will leave it be.
Deductive reasoning is a situation wherein facts are determined by combining existing statements. Inductive reasoning is when facts are determined by repeated observation.
You state that I have acknowledged being irrational. This is an incorrect statement. A correct statement would be that I have acknowledged being inconsistent or illogical. A precise statement would be that I have acknowledged that the presence of profound conflict has resulted in inconsistencies in my direction and willingness to engage with you.
Inconsistency or even illogic is not irrationality, and your declarative statement, being incorrect both deductively and inductively, is the outcome of valuation and judgment, both of which are entirely free of all but your own manufacture.
You state that your primary objection to this exchange is your feeling that you were being given ultimatums. Throughout this exchange, despite repeated explication underscoring both that:
(1) My words are applicable to myself alone, and,
(2) Your inference of ultimatum is incorrect,
You have consistently preferred your interpretation and gone so far as to tell me I am incorrect in my explanations of meaning and/or intent because… well, because you believe otherwise.
Indeed, you continue to insist that, for some mysterious reason, your inferences are trump to my intention, my meaning, and my explanations.
On the heels of the above, you then not only give this last reply AS an ultimatum, but with the first item stating that, in fact, you would have PREFERRED the very thing you have spent all this time decrying (“…you didn’t just say… “We have to use a condom if we fuck…”
and “If you had, none of this would have happened.” [sic]).
To be clear, when you pointed out the conflicting statements, I explained them precisely as you requested, even as I told you very clearly I did not appreciate your demands that I justify myself. In the face of that explanation, you STILL continue to refuse my explanation in favor of your interpretation, as this last note clearly demonstrates.
I deduce from this that my statements are not being accepted. I induce from this that it is a pattern that will continue to repeat as it has now repeated consistently, without variation, eight times over the course of this exchange.
You may free yourself from any concern about having to remember things or you may also liberate yourself on the matter of ‘letting it go’ as you have successfully demonstrated to me that my presence or commentary is effectively moot and you are more than happy to
manufacture entire skeins of motivation, intent, and judgments as to my rationality independent and in direct contradiction of my input.
Thank you for showing me very, very precisely why I have been more than a little foolish to think compromising in the name of exploration could be beneficial to either of us.
Thank you as well for the enjoyments of your company before this pattern appeared. I did enjoy those hours, I did enjoy the thought of you as a potential partner, and I did enjoy being able to believe, for a brief while, that this held possibility.
I choose to believe you will understand that I do not wish to speak with you. I choose as well to believe that you will observe the utter lack of emotion in this note and from it, correctly conclude that I am no longer willing to indulge my emotional interest in you at the continued expense and insult of my intellect and common sense.
Finally, I choose to believe you will be both mature enough and insightful enough to understand and accept that, for obvious reasons, I will not respond to you further.
Be well, I wish you well, and farewell.