i haven’t written anything to speak of in a few months now. whenever this happens, i always wonder if this will be the break from which i never return to writing regularly. that probably sounds weird. meh, whatever. i have the feeling every time this happens that one of these times, i’m going to simply stop writing and that will be the end of it.
i’m not really sure why it feels that way. i think part of me is hoping that i will become so immersed in life that i won’t feel the need to write about it anymore. i think part of me is hoping i’ll get involved in being and doing and not feel the urge anymore. hrm. i think part of me is hoping that the fits of melancholia, hurt, anger, and saudade that so often drive me to the page will stop showing up so intensely and the ‘norm’ of only writing when i feel those ways will be so rare that i won’t need to write anymore.
i’ve also been considering that one of the reasons i write so much is that i have a need to document the happenings of my life to keep myself on track or to at least core dump the things clattering about like pebbles in an empty bowl can rest somewhere other than in my head.
i am only compelled to write when i’m stressed, anxious, angry, or sad. very rarely when i am happy or feeling contented in life. you’ll note this most by the gaps in the blog, but also by my ‘disappearance’ from online venues — email, chat, etc.
i realized today that i am very likely going to be alone for the rest of my life ‘relationship-wise’. i know i’ve said that before. but for the first time, saying it doesn’t bring that sense of lonely dread. i still fear dying alone. i still fear not having anyone around who cares enough to check and make sure i’m alive when i get old. i still fear being old, decrepit, and unable to care for myself and being stuck in some horror of a home or under a bridge. but somewhere in these last two months of disaster dating, i have finally found the way to peacefulness in relation to ‘the companion’.
or at least, i think i have. i suppose it’s too early to be sure. it could just be the momentary lull between hormonal surges. (wry grin)
not much more to say, really. just a random thought that sounded long enough and loud enough to make me want to write it down.
hope your weekend goes well.