i remember when men would take the bus or train to the end of the line, just in hopes of having enough time to get my name and number.
i remember always feeling as if i could never really be sure if they were interested ‘in me’ or in the form my parents gave to me.
it became something of a joke. they always seemed to open with a compliment about my appearance and i would say, ‘i’ll be sure to let my parents know… since i have no control over how i look and it’s to my parents credit that i look beautiful.’
oddly enough, they would almost always follow up with some manner of annoyance. i don’t suppose you’re supposed to notice, eh? then, i would tell them, ‘oh, don’t worry, if you compliment me on something i actually have control over, i’ll appreciate it. of course, that’s a little hard to do when you don’t know me.’
only three men ever really recovered from that statement. the smart ones laughed and i laughed with them. then we’d start over again. i figured the ones who couldn’t recover from a little reality check likely weren’t interested in more than my appearance anyway (like, oh, i dunno…ME?!), so it inevitably sorted itself.
all the same, suspecting is one thing, knowing is another. two close shaves with death, being racked and stacked with arthritis (goodbye, four days a week at the gym!), four years in the wheelchair and the various challenges in between, i don’t have the same illusions/delusions i used to… supposedly, this is a good thing, but i’m not always sure.
these days, it’s the flip side of that coin and i must say, it isn’t any better. i sometimes feel that i will just have to murder the next man who offers me, “you’re such a great person; smart, funny, confident, capable, independent, warm, caring, you know… all of that…. but….”
or, worse still, the ones who are interested only because they view you as ‘low hanging fruit’ (oh, yes, that’s just SUCH a compliment, thank you). or the ones who are married or elsewise ‘in relationships’ and actually expect you to agree that you’re good enough to consider laying with, but not to actually consider committing to, giving any quality time or attention to, or you know, actually working to build a relationship with (other than one built on instant gratification and self-absorption, of course).
i find myself increasingly intolerant and impatient with it all. i’m sorry, please, someone, explain to me again why i’m supposed to be happy for crumbs from life’s table when, but for rare exceptions, i’m enjoying the entire banquet of life just fine, thankyouverymuch? (oh, wait, i’m sorry, did someone actually SAY that i can’t possibly be happy unless i’m WITH someone? heh.)
what’s that? maybe i should stick with it because, let’s face it, i’m no barbie anymore? oh, yes, sorry, i almost forgot… i’m no longer barbie. hrm. you know, i realize they haven’t figured this out (and aren’t likely to do so), but i never WAS barbie, no, not even when i looked like her.
not only that, i was never willing to believe that, somehow, my value as a person or partner is intrinsically or unalterably tied to the sum total of outside perspectives on ‘how i look’.
no, i don’t suppose they would understand that i am a beautiful, well made, utterly amazing woman. nor would they understand that being so hasn’t a damned thing to do with my measurements or how well i submit to the socio-cultural norms and no, i don’t suppose they would get that the things i hold within are a damn sight longer lasting and more valuable than elasticity of skin, use of cosmetics, or attention to the unwritten laws that say one isn’t capable of ‘being hot’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘attractive’ unless one is willing to obsess over all the things one cannot change to the exclusion of the things one can (i.e., being a healthy, whole human being in the world, in case they’ve forgotten).
newsflash — i’m far and away ‘good enough’. more than, actually. if someone hasn’t the ability to understand just how and why this is the case, i’m really quite thankful to know it in advance, preferably well in advance as it saves me the time and the annoyance of giving someone the benefit of the doubt in relation to their ability to value reason and being over physiology and primping.
of course, this is the part where some will say, ‘ooooh, bitter, much?’ or maybe ‘someone’s feeling angry’ or maybe even, ‘it’s not our fault you’re not attractive to us.’
honey, don’t mistake me… i’m THANKFUL they don’t find me attractive if all they can manage is to contemplate enjoying is my body and the only reason one would possibly be angry or bitter would be if there were some thought that an overt intent was in play.
let’s face it, shallow people hardly think enough to develop overt intent, so there’s no reason for thinking otherwise. after all, that would be almost as asinine as believing that how well their involuntary chemical reactions fire off is somehow indicative of how much value or potential i hold as a human being, right?
the ‘upshot’ here, at the close, is that this was the general line of conversation i had with a friend tonight. she was giving me a hard time about things (i.e., my ‘dating life’ and ‘men in general’) and the above was essentially my response to her.
as i told her, at this point, the simple reality is… anyone who is actively interested in me is just going to have to (literally) chase me down and, once they do, they’re going to have to CONVINCE ME and, frankly, i don’t envy them the work.
she laughed, of course, and called me arrogant, which made me laugh because arrogance connotes that one is somehow less than they present themselves to be and i realized in that moment that she just didn’t get what i was saying at all.
good thing i do. 🙂