You know that game humans play? The one where they regurgitate memory, relive it, and fantasize about doing what they should have, or saying something different, or being more or less reactive? I do not often indulge, but I am doing so tonight. There is a particular event that I’m replaying, reliving, and changing in my head so I can get to the point where it can shrivel up and find its way to the dumpster.
As you may know if you know me or followed any one of the various sites that this one now replaces, this is a charnel ground; something of a landfill; the place where all the things I don’t want in my head come to rest in pieces until they can rest in peace. The things you read here are very poor reflections or example of my day to day being. In most cases, they’re the diametric opposite of who I choose to be or how I choose to act. That’s kind of why this place exists – to be the playground for the horns so I can keep the halo shiny.
It’s also my way of keeping that silly ego under the bridle and bit. Damn thing can get away from you pretty quick if you aren’t mindful. (Sometimes, it slips by so fast that I don’t even realize it has until some poor soul who got in the way is lying in the gutter, bleeding.)
So. Anyway. Tonight is all kinds of shadow play with most of it being a gush of raw and ugly that I’d prefer not to unleash on someone, not even the someone who I let ignite it in me. Candidly? I’m really kind of surprised I’m still so angry about it. I mean, I know lying is my number one peeve, but I really thought bouncing the deceitful one out of my life would be the end of it.
Finding that it isn’t, I turn to shadowplay and this place to let tooth and nail fly as they will and set here the things that really shouldn’t go anywhere else.
This post in particular is both a reminder to myself that this is the proper place for it and a moment of admission that is at once annoyed and thankful I have it to make use of when I need it. Whether the world knows it or not, this place is largely responsible for guarding against “using my powers” for other than good ends.