An interesting notion occurred to me last night, in a dream. The notion was this: I’m going to stop holding myself back from those I do give of myself to, AND I’m also going to stop giving myself to those who either cannot or will not return the favor in meaningful ways.
See, I hold myself back to see who will notice or seek me out. The active curiosity on my part is to see who is awake enough to even notice, let alone care to try. Part of it is the result of spending much of my life utterly convinced that nothing I had inside was worth knowing (thanks, “relatives”, thanks “family”). Part of it is the result of pretty much shutting down until I was in my mid-thirties. Since then, it’s been more of that “Ok, all these people tell me that what I’ve been told or thought about it “is wrong”. Let’s just see who is wrong and who is right.”
Naturally, the “these people” of whom I am speaking are disproven, discredited, and now, dismissed. Do I need to lay out all the granularity and demonstrate how and why I reach this conclusion? No, actually, I do not.
Do I need to define “Meaningful Ways’? Well, that IS the question, now isn’t it? But no, I don’t think I do. See, people who understand what I am saying know what it means. The only people who will insist on a definition are those who wish they didn’t know and hope to keep me off the point by distracting me with the request because, frankly, while they’re willing to admit I give good friendship, peership, fellowship, they’re not willing to treat me as if I do. Or those who really don’t get it and never will; Sorry, I just don’t believe in “insane hope” anymore.
Rather, I am discovering that I just do not want those types of people in my life. The urge to put “anymore” in there is present, but the more factual statement is without it.
Amusingly, this is the perfect point at which to effect the transition. I won’t share the joke, because it’s not funny “ha ha”, it’s more funny “hrm well”.
I find I’ve had the answer all along and didn’t even know it. It’s the answer you give when the only consideration is whether or not you’re getting what you need to feel content and balanced:
Convince Me.