What a glorious looking day. A wee bit on the chill side, but sunny skies with big, puffy clouds that one could look at and imagine into many things.
I am idling; mostly pondering where the boundaries are and if I perceive any gap between where I find them and where I think they should be. It proves an interesting thing to consider, as the immediate question that rises is of that “Why is this so critical?” sort. You ever have this happen? Half of your brain is asking and the other half is looking puzzled and trying to figure it out, only to wind up shrugging and saying, “I can’t say why because it doesn’t seem to make sense, but this is how it is and that’s just going to have to do.”
Logic and intellect scoff and point out that it shouldn’t be so hard to just communicate. Emotion blushes crimson and insists there is cause to support effort on behalf of beautiful things. Being is unperturbed to the point of not even wondering about what the rest are mumbling. Sometimes, compartmentalization is interesting. Sometimes, it’s just a pain in the ass.
Of course, the consideration turns inevitably to kindness; What is most kind to another? What is most kind to me? No answers just yet, La Brea has it. The sense of processing and a parallel thread of contemplation on timing and probabilities run smooth and strong ahead; leaping deftly over the things that are irrelevant to the effort and surging toward the fork in the road, the decision point. It’s not close, but it’s visible in that distant, vanishing point kind of way.
It occurs to me that being able to trace patterns too far ahead is not always helpful. Determinism is not real unless chosen, and the reflex to withdraw before impact is nothing more than fear. The choice, of course, is whether or not to embrace fear. I find myself wishing I had more than my own thoughts to present to the court of consideration; the things submitted as evidence thusfar are circumstantial; compelling, but not factual, sensed and heard, but not known.
Meh. There’s that word again…. knowing. Immediate laughter and a sense of humor for the eager reaching after a sense of certainty. Some things you just can’t know until you experience them.
I feel reasonably content. More so for spilling this out and setting it outside my head. I have no idea how the path unfolds, and mostly, I am impatient to have a sense of that idea rather than the feeling of waiting to have it. Impatience, I guess. I am not usually an impatient person. Why now? Why over this? It’s annoying to not understand the “why”; I’m not used to feeling as if I do not understand something of myself. It pulls me like a sore spot and I am all flexing fingers and curious eyes; poking at it and wincing, but poking over and over again… come on, show me, explain it in ways I can understand. I cannot help being curious and I won’t stop until I feel understanding of it.
Me, talking to myself and becoming annoyed for my lack of answers.
Meh. Distraction is needed so I can return to it another time and not find it feeling so sore. Dinner and homework and perhaps a movie. Tomorrow is auto repair and more homework and who knows what else. I decide this will be an utterly spontaneous weekend. That makes me smile. All things possible, none rejected; come on life, show me something interesting….. I dare you. (impish grin)