Tonight is a bit of a wistful thing. I’m not completely sure why, but given today’s reflection on things, it is most likely due to the increasing distance from what was once seen as a hopeful beginning. Meh. I dislike that I remember things far too long and most often, not as they were, but as I wish they had been. The comfort I give myself is that I don’t really cling to them; they are allowed to fade from memory (even if not as quickly as I’d like and almost always with that saudade sense that is bothersome).
Overall, however, I must admit, I have a beautiful, wonderful life. I’m still mildly in awe that so much positive energy has bloomed since I arrived here in 2008. I have a good and solid life. I have a strong and positive trajectory. Home life is peaceful and nourishing, even if a tad quieter than I’d prefer.
I’ve been thinking about that. I keep telling myself I should get out more, but when I look for things to go do, it all seems rather, well, boring. But it’s not the events; it’s the notion of strolling through or experiencing them alone. I think I’m missing the feeling of sharing experiences. As odd as it may sound, I’m in a phase where I’d rather not have them than have them and have no one to tell about them or excitedly burble with over them.
I read. I study. I write. I make digital art and listen to music and watch things on Netflix. It’s all rather mundane, really; it somewhat feels like I’m idling while waiting for the feeling that I really want to engage with strangers as such. Of course, the little buddha girl in me frowns and points out that it seems a lot like punishing myself. But I laugh; no, actually, I don’t feel punished in relation to any of it. I am, in fact, pristinely “empty” of feeling about it all. It is serene; no urgency toward or away, just… here.
The part of me that yearns for companionship is impatiently waiting for the arrival of a friend on May 21st. They’ll be here for a week and I am seriously looking forward to the constant presence during that week. I suppose I’m saving for it, in a manner of speaking. I don’t want to do something that might mean I’ll be bored or less than new to doing it when they’re here to share it with…. hah, that’s new for me (kind of). I wouldn’t normally care one way or the other. Hrm.
Not much else, really. Finals week; one thesis submitted and a 12 chapter test tomorrow. I may knock it out tonight (likely so) in order to have a free day tomorrow. Humorously, on the heels of all the above, I’m thinking about just going to Elliott Bay or Third Place and being a stranger in the crowd; unknown, unseen, and apart.
I may hit up Socrates Cafe Monday night. Depends. I’m going to look at an apartment and it hangs on how nice traffic is to me. We’ll see.
Sometimes, I really don’t know what the heck to think about all the thinks I think. (chuckle)