It is hard to accept one’s shortcomings. It is hard to understand how the trauma of generations combined with the trauma of experiences result in inability, and how the stubborn refusal of inability results in that blindness behind which all manner of false belief and ego often, safely hides.
I was and am a lacking human. I lacked the ability or means to nourish my children, I lack the ability and means to sustain my relationships, my friendships, my marriages, and myself. While I can point to and outline the many circumstances and traumas resulting in my lack, it remains that it is, in fact, my lack and lacking that is both the outcome and cause of hurt and suffering of many others.
I had long hoped that my persistence, my trying, my willingness to endure still more hurt and pain and to remain and insist upon remaining could overcome this. In this, I was a fool and ignorant. The effects of all these causes result in a barrier that I neither can nor will ever manage to cross.
The false beliefs and egos of others are no less than my own. My own inability to see this has lasted all this time. How could others be any less prone than I to these things? This is why it is generational in nature. I begin to see the truth of the causes. And in it, I begin to understand how and why, even in this, I have been occluded by false belief and ego such that I have pushed my own dream beyond my reach.
I never could forgive my parents for their abandonment and the many traumas known as a result.
They defined me in polarization. They defined me in opposition. They defined me in resentment.
Because I could not manage it, those downstream from these experiences could not see enough in me to manage it, either.
How could they? Why would they? I set the example in myself and only demonstrated that it should be followed.
But I miss my children. I miss my friends. I miss the family that never was… and I miss the self I might have been, had I been in any way able to be other than as I was and am.
I struggle to set aside the resentment, the hurt, and the anger. I use the realization that no one can or will ever understand me in the same way I do myself; because of this, the dream that anyone can or will ever see what I know as my inner truth cannot breathe.
In ignorance, I have been waiting for others to see what is truly invisible in all humans – the kernel of being that is paradoxically the same across all humans – that which seeks only to abide, grow, thrive, and both know and share love and happiness with others.
It is, inevitably, curdled or twisted by this life and its experiences. To differing degrees, perhaps, but always, always to the same ends – to that barrier between others and self that becomes its own dream-killer. In ignorance, we do these things, we do this to ourselves.
I will spend the rest of my life grieving all that I have missed because of it. I will also spend this time grieving that I cannot better express and explain this concept to the world. How much suffering might be impossible were I not filled with inability and lacking?
May all beings, boundless as the sky, have the causes of happiness and be liberated from the causes of sorrow.