I know all my parts.
I never had the luxury of self-deception.
I can and do validate myself every day and usually for most of the day, because caring for myself in the face of all this casual UN-caring by the world and others, inclusive of family, has made it clear I must do so if I wish to survive.
Yes, I am angry.
But I am not unreasonably so, nor do I allow it to control my balance or being.
My anger, my fears, my regrets, my resilience, all of my qualities and parts get their cuddle, their time of focus.
This is how I have held together all these 59 years.
When something bothers me, I ask myself “Why?” until the answer does not change. That’s how I know I’m doing the work on what actually matters.
When someone treats me poorly, I ask why and explain why I see it that way so they can help me understand where they see it differently. If they don’t want to or it’s too much work or any other flavor of ‘understanding doesn’t matter’, I usually let it drift. Life is too short to spend it around humans who think understanding doesn’t matter.
When I actually do get out and about in the world these days, I am less interested in proactive social behaviors than I am quickly returning to my cubby in the world. That’s not fear, it’s an insipid cocktail of anger and hypervigilance and understanding that I am not able to maintain in a world wanting to call anyone over 30 a “boomer” (like GenX isn’t still carrying shanks).
Something something, then don’t say nothing at all, right?
I still want to trade my experience and skills for currency, but no one seems to want me. Maybe when #TalentShortage2030 kicks off in proper, obvious form, this will finally change. (For the record – business analyst and product owner seeking fully remote role with design, development, and delivery team focus.)
For now, it’s playing with lyrics and making audio responsive videos to while away the time and trying to stay ahead of the chronic pain (medical access has made a bit of a difference, at long last). Our vector in life isn’t likely to change without me finding a way to work again… unless somehow I manage to create a niche and make something of my use of tech to heavy lift demos. Guess we’ll see.