made the mistake of napping earlier, so here i am, pop-eyed at o’dark-thirty. heh.
i think i have found the apartment for me in florida. now it is waiting to see if the landlord agrees. *grin* a friend who lives nearby is going there on monday to snap pictures for me and deliver the application fee. if all goes well, i’ll overnight the deposit and then… start packing.
the nice part of this place is that they have no issue with my cats. so i will get to keep them. not only this, they are offering a reduced move-in rate, so i may actually swing it without having to beg help from others. this, something of a relief as only one of those asked have been in any position to help.
five minutes from the beach. i cannot wait. oh… a mild winter. and i just remember another friend who lives in the area! for the first time in a long time, i am actually enthused. it is nice to feel enthused for a situation and not for ‘things’… if that makes sense.
also, i am very quickly coming to the end of the contemplation of recent history and as i do so, i find it is finally turning to ash and drifting from me. it feels very good to watch it depart. it feels very good not to hurt. it feels very good to know this was the right choice.
i will continue this method with regard to the others on the short list of people i retain negativity toward, and am quietly content for feeling a sense of progress in this and looking forward to more of the same.
my friend, P, tells me not to ‘waste energy’ on being other than content and they are very correct that this should be the goal. balance. equilibrium. it is so much closer in this moment than it has been in a very long time.
i think my last entry with regard to ‘the list’ will very likely be a contrasting outline of the benefits gained in knowing this other. while it is true that almost all of them are only known in the aftermath, it remains they arrive as a result of it, and what credit rests with him for that much should be given, i think.
i sit here and think about how this has shifted from january to april, from may to july, and from july until now… i remember the moment in april when i knew it would end. and i remember the many ways i was too stubborn. it is odd to feel as if ‘that person’ who was me in that moment is distant. but that is how it feels.
someone ask me today what my reaction would be if he showed up. i had only five words:
there would be no reaction.
i cannot tell you how liberating it is to say that and know it true.
that isn’t to say i will not think and breathe for him for the rest of my life. nor is it to say i have lost care for or of him. rather, knowing now there is no benefit in it, i refrain from all but that which i may do freely on my own.
this, my choice, in the name of kindness. both to him and myself.
i have thought about the notion of choosing to forget him utterly. but that would be foolish. there is learning here, and there is also a good object lesson that contains many things i would do well to recall. but no, there is no more than this remaining.
he is a name recorded in history, behind and further so in every moment. when i remember, it will not be him, but the lessons i record here that came from contemplation in the aftermath. a brief encounter whose benefit is met in its use as example.
this is, i think, the only possible benefit and thus, it i will embrace and the rest may be the only thing it is capable of being… ashes.