tomorrow, i begin a new job.
i’m about to go to the beach for a bit. the water has been calling me since i got here and i’m not interested in resisting anymore.
taking the voice recorder. not sure what will be said, but it beats trying to write and no doubt it will wind up here in some fashion anyway. most things do.
hard to define this moment. yes, i’m happy… but not that manic, hyper happy. not the kind that passes for ‘good’ but is actually distractionary and illusion. it’s more that deep, content, ‘where i am supposed to be’ and ‘all things in their right place’ happy. you know, the kind that brushes your cheek softly as you go to sleep, makes waking up enjoyable, and floats around you all day sending out wisps of positive energy that turns everything you come into contact with good.
yeah. that’s it.
i do not know what has changed that everything is ‘turning good’ in my life. i really can’t adequately describe it. it isn’t just one thing. that’s what is blowing my mind. no. no. actually. it isn’t blowing my mind. that’s the really weird part.
it is like i am finally where i am supposed to be. that is how it feels. if i had to try and paint a picture, make a ‘scene’ of it… it would be that scene in the movie where the main character walks in the room and suddenly, everything just… clicks… into place.
maybe it is even an audible click. suddenly, the sunlight is just a little more sunny… and the smiles of others are no longer masks, but genuine… and the weather is perfect, even when it is raining… and every cell of my being is completely permeated with an odd and indescribeable feeling whose closest approximation is simply … All Things In Their Right Place.
sometimes words just… fail. *sigh*
what is really weird is that, intellectually, i am well aware of all the many ways this moment is far, far from perfection. but that just… doesn’t… matter. it isn’t about some mundane list of material things, or some mundane list of emotional things, or some mundane list of desires or hopes.
it just is.
i can’t say ‘oh look, i am so happy.’ it isn’t like that.
i can’t say ‘oh look, i am so sad.’ that isn’t it, either.
it is everything… and nothing. all at once. and somehow, it is and isn’t. bah. i know that makes no sense. i’m laughing at myself trying to describe it even as i know i’m going to fail.
i wish everyone could have this feeling/non-feeling all the time.
broken saints. hah. that’s what this reminds me of. my character’s namesake, shandala, is a broken saint. in that story, she is primed by the world and circumstances to broadcast a single moment of abject fear to the entire world. tormented and tortured to the crumbling edge of the abyss just so when that single moment of opportunity arrives, her ability to create empathy and identification in others may be twisted to shatter them all, utterly, and palsy the world itself with fear.
but, when that moment arrives, she chooses instead to ignore the programming, rise above the tsunami of impetus and mandate, and instead, broadcasts in that single moment the ultimate compassion.
a single beacon of rainbow light, pulsing softly, wanting only that others hear, feel, see, touch, taste… know… and benefit.
impossible. impossible for me. ignorant and unable, lacking words, so unskillful, too human here.
but if such a thing were possible… this moment, this feeling, this is what i would share.
time to go to the beach, i think.