first week of new job passes… an enjoyable, if not saturated time.
so much going on i do not know where to begin. heh. suddenly, i remember i have a life. that’s probably the best way to put it, for all it doesn’t say.
i’m carefully, mindfully wrapping myself in practice and it is hard to convey the amazing things that are happening. i’d call it odd, but it doesn’t feel odd.
the part of me that has spent so much time dourly or skeptically talking about things has pretty much been blown away. dust in the wind. i slowly realize it was not truly a part of me… just a pitiful attempt at deflecting some of the more painful bumps along the way.
ironicially, usually only insuring i felt them much longer than i was intended to…
can i say how i feel without it sounding bizarre? probably not. i laugh, though. it doesn’t matter how it sounds, does it? happy thought.
i can feel myself changing. going to try and describe it… wish me success. heh.
i feel softer. i feel less constrained. i feel relaxed in deep and infinitely surprising ways.
i feel like butter melting over hot bread. seriously. expansive. slow, puddling sliding and every movement is to push beyond boundaries i didn’t know i was carefully maintaining.
i feel carefree. genuinely without fear. stars. i did not realize how fearful i had become.
most amazing, i feel calm and peaceful, loving even, when i think about … well, everyone. it’s just… weird. something arrives that would anger or annoy or frustrate and i can SEE the moment wherein i get to choose my reaction.
that’s new.
that’s also just… boggling.
i’ve been spending time sending loving thoughts and wishes for good things to people who, only a month ago, i couldn’t even think about without feeling my blood pressure rise.
and it feels darn good.
not only this, i find my perspective shifting about … well… everything. i notice more the words i use. i notice more and change them more often. even when i’m having to speak harshly, it is of behavior and not people. and frankly, it’s rarely harsh.
it’s like the ‘need’ to be like that is evaporating. not gone, but wow… definitely lessening.
and lately, i have this feeling of … meh… i really can’t put it in words. it’s kind of like being detached, but it isn’t. it’s kind of like being content with everything, but it isn’t. it’s kind of like just being completely without the need to react, but it isn’t.
it’s like it’s all just like it is and that’s perfect.
that’s the best attempt i can make to describe it and it still fails horribly. but somehow, that’s ok, too.
heh.