a reminder of why not giving up is important.
On 12/19/06, ———- wrote:
No, I haven’t been in touch, which is a curse of mine. Everytime I have friends that I don’t directly see for a while, I manage to not get around to getting back to them, and thenm we fall out of touch.
i would like very much for that not to happen with us. which is why i have continued to write to you here and there. and which is why i wrote once more before ‘giving up’. i’m glad you wrote back. very. (hug)
There has been a lot going on in life, both Azeroth and Earth, and I react a little different than some when things gang up on me: I pretty much retreat into my shell and hide from the world. I know that’s not really a good way to deal with problems, but there it is.
i have done this. there are times i do it still. we do what we need to do to cope. who knows better than we do what we really need? be kind to yourself in it. perhaps it is not a good way to deal with problems, but it is a good way to keep things together until you’re ready to deal with them… which is certainly a step along the same path, hmm?
To not get into things too much, a close friend I’ve had since literally the opening day of WoW has more or less washed his hands of me, and it’s hard because he was my rock in Azeroth, through everything, and to maybe too much of an extent, in RL as well..
It doesn’t matter what happened, since it was ridiculous and started over something stupid, but the end-result is the same, Azeroth is pretty empty for me now, and there’s nothing like being in a place with thousands of people and still being alone.
well, for what it is worth, i could have written this paragraph about ——. (wry grin) i do not find it at all self-pitying. but i do hear the regret. and i am sorry for your pain.but as far as being alone goes, you know you do not have to be alone. i will not say more… except that i miss you.
I just hope you don’t think I’ve taken your e-mails or knowing you for granted..
You see, I’ve been keeping up with your blog you linked me to (I hope that’s not creepy…o_o) and it’s some of the best things I’ve ever read…
not creepy at all. the reason i force myself to put all that out there is in the slight small hope that it might actually help someone, someday.also, i admit, i put it out there in hopes that one day —— and ——- both will want to see past the anger and fear they prefer today. and that, when they do, they will understand how truly they are cared for here. and what a precious chance for loving kindness was thrown away for nothing more than anger, fear, and pride.
I mean, don’t take it the wrong way, I don’t want you to think I”m just reading to get entertained or something, but the way you write and the fact that it’s real.. I wish I could have seen my own face while I was reading some of that stuff; I probably showed every emotion there is 😉 maybe it sounds stupid, but some of the things you write, both happy and sad (especially some of the more recent things), have gotten me through some things of my own, and I’m grateful for that
i am really honored and humbled this is the case. i don’t really think of most of that writing as ‘mine’… more like whispers from the universe that i can hear when i’m willing to listen. so i kind of feel obligated to pass them on… wouldn’t be fair to stick them in a box and hide them in the cellar, now would it? (grin)
And I know you don’t want me talking about ——, but when I read what he and ——- did to you…
oh my god, I could hardly do anything… I just wanted to call him up and start yelling until he couldn’t hear me anymore.. How can he be like that?
Don’t worry, I didn’t actually do anything, as I know it’s not my place, and I’d be hurting you more than helping, but wow… talk about a new low for the both of them.
———, they see me so amazingly evil that i really wonder sometimes if i ever knew them at all. i cannot say i did if this outcome is possible.certainly they never knew me.
toward the end, when i could see it starting to spin into this insanity, i offered to buy —— a plane ticket… or to fly to portland. just to the airport. just for the day. just to talk. i knew there was no way he could possibly sit with me, hear me, look at me, and continue to think the horrible, evil, hurtful things he does.
he refused. actually, he never directly refused. he just never replied.
he must know it. for all he continually has denied it, denied me, and set that brand of fear upon me any time i got in range.
i’m learning how to love him without attachment, desire, and clinging. like i used to, back when we first met. the same way i love you. the same way i love everyone.
i let him turn me from my natural way. my mistake. but i’m slowly remedying it.
the beauty in all this is that i do not have to “have” a thing from him to love him. as he is, without regrets.
that isn’t to say i have no regrets. i have many and most will make their way to that blog… eventually.
perhaps if i had not been so snarled in my own feelings i could have been kind the way he needed me to be… and from there… well… we’ll never know, will we?
that’s the true sound of regret. not feeling bad for what you know you didn’t ‘get’ or ‘have’… but feeling sad for knowing you’ll never know what might have been, regardless what premutation it might have arrived cloaked in….
I can’t remember if I’ve told you this before (and if I didn’t, then I should have) but I don’t know how you survive… I mean, I’ve had things happen to me nowhere near as bad as some of the things I’ve seen you go through, and I’ve completely shut down as a reult, more than once.
I thought you were tough before, and then I see you’re -still- trying to do good things for him (the ingrate) and then he flips out on yet -another- good gesture?
It’s obviously not funny, but hearing about the things that guy does, it’s like watching a movie… it doesn’t seem like anyone could really be like that.
i refuse to accept that any of it is deliberate. well, for more than a moment. in all honesty, that’s the only thing that keeps me alive, sane, and going.if i had to think people with deliberation did these things, i could not live in this world.
i suppose that’s why i can forgive. and why i can try over and over again. even in the face of the obvious impossibility.
you see, i never really believed in ‘the obvious impossibility’… through i am learning that i am wrong in this… and at some cost. (wry grin)
he does what he needs to do, ——–. just like you. just like me. just like everyone. i can’t blame him. even though sometimes, i try. i’m learning different ways, though. and they hurt less… actually… they almost have no feeling at all… which is why i prefer them.
Basically, I just want you to read this, even if the rest of my email doesn’t matter, this part does:
Wether or not that’s the last e-mail you decide to send, you should know how much I respect you and how much you seriously inspire me. Out of all the people in WoW that I know (or at least know about) in a RL sense, I know you the least, but you’ve affected me the most. Strange how that workssorry again I’m such a flake
one of the reasons i’ve kept in touch and sought you out and insisted in continuing to do so is because i know that no one says such as this lightly and to the extent anything here has been helpful to you, i know there is unexplored possibility for helpfulness from you as well.
i do not in any way, shape, or form think you ‘a flake’. and i am willing to be known if you’re willing to get to know. (smile)
i wrote this and called it ‘last call’ because it was finally becoming difficult to believe you wanted to know me. and it was becoming stupid of me to think i could ever have chance to know you.
but, as with —— , as with ——-, as with anyone…. so long as even a flake, a crumb, a shadow of possibility remains, i’ll be here.
i’m stupid that way.