laughing at myself for how pitiful i am sometimes. consider the nature of solitude and loneliness and the pure idiocy of it. now that i can. *chuckle*
sometimes, i think the universe itself is sentient. actually, in truth, i think energy is sentient. it is the only explanation i can find that meets some of the truly odd things that i have experienced in life.
but at the moment, i’m sitting here chuckling for how one moment can completely shift one.
i suppose it is a demonstration of the reality that clinging is what it is… impediment and pointless and moot.
tender lessons, these, over this last three weeks. most lovingly given and only painful for my own silliness. forest for the trees, you know? in those moments when i can truly detach from everything, stand outside ‘myself’ and simply observe, see it, i shake my head and wonder why i continue to make life so hard for myself.
that is precisely what i’ve been doing.
the skeleton and structure of this attachment process is becoming very clear. and by contrast, the aspects of aversion as well (though admittedly, aversion is not as much an albatross to me).
slowly, slowly, finding my path to the middle way. i have to admit, mindfulness is something that works. hard work at times, mostly so, really.
i’ve been working on not kicking myself too hard for slipping. that’s a lot harder than i thought it would be… but i suspect as the process of smothering ego continues, it will become easier. another chuckle, if ‘myself’ is removed from the equation, many things become much easier.
to even say that is at once a surprise and a relief. hopeful… maybe i’m not so doomed after all.
smile.