someone said something to me not too long ago that keeps returning to my mind…. they said, ‘the problem is, most people want to bury that part of themselves that has horns, hair, and a tail. you can’t. the only thing you can do it embrace it and accept that it is just as much ‘you’ as anything you ever aspire to.’
i’m sitting here thinking about that because that of me which is horns, hair, and tail is feeling antsy. so i sit here and ponder why. of course, i already know why. silly me. hide and seek in my own head. sigh.
about oh, 1984, i had a friend that i wasn’t really sure how or why they were a friend. it seemed like every time we got together, it was nothing but argument or tension. but for some reason, we always seemed to gravitate to one another. i never did understand why, but there were times when i really needed that friction… the ornery part of me wanted someone safe to throw itself at, someone who would still be willing to speak to me afterwards.
i remember that friend telling me they were much the same in relation to me. it seemed weird at the time. it still seems weird. we lost touch shortly after my daughter was born and i haven’t been able to find them since.
it wasn’t toxic, but it was often damned uncomfortable. we knew one another’s weak points and i think most of our time was spent pushing at them. heh. man, there were some spectacular arguments. no holds barred. not cruel, but very intense, direct, and blunt.
i always appreciated that they knew that bluntness and intensity of me was not intended to hurt. and they often said the same. many times, after such ‘knock down drag outs’, we’d just look at one another, laugh like hell and then… go snag a meal or see a movie or whatever.
there were as many quiet, gentle times as there were hard core ones, of course. but it seems the hard core are the ones i remember. and the ones i still miss.
i got to thinking about them as a result of a discussion with the master sergeant today that bordered pretty darn close to that kind of exchange. heh. i was exhilarated by it. i remember thinking very clearly, ‘ah! delight! he knows how to argue without taking it personally!’
comparison and contrast brought the usual things out of my mind. which sent me on something of a fool’s errand, i suppose… but… horns and hair and tail insisted and i dutifully complied.
it feels odd to sit here and actually feel balanced and comfortable in relation to it. especially since the counter to all that shadow is still nagging at me about how i should ignore and sweep it under the rug… ‘that part of me’, that is.
heh. me and all my weirdness. suchness. flowers and garbage.
i miss that friend. and a few others very much like them. poor ol’ shadow sitting by the river, all eyeore and sighing, watching the currents and thinking about things lost beyond finding.
i’m going to spin up gabriel’s passion tonight… give pitiful eyeore something to savor. let the shadow frolick a time. seems only fair… most of the last six months has been starving it beyond all sense or sanity.
dredging up mud for it to play in… forgetting for a time what it is to aspire. turnabout is fair play, so they say… popping the top off the barrel and letting the wriggly things out for a bit. safe at home, quiet and calm, shadowdancing…