just woke up from one of the most amazing dreams i have ever had. vivid.
i live in a two bedroom apartment. i’m making dinner. there are boxes and scattered things all around the place. i do not want to be finished with cleaning up, but i have to make sure the food is ready. so i’m in the kitchen, bustling and anxious about getting ‘everything done on time’ and not real sure why i’m so worried.
the doorbell rings. it is my lama. he smiles, we embrace. i welcome him inside. he comes in with eyes curious and bright… like a bird. looks at everything, then looks at me and nods as if somehow pleased. his sense of approval is like sunshine. but it is his serene smile that means most. i would not wish to be the one that brought even a ripple of disturbance to him.
he waves me off to the kitchen. so i return. just as i’m getting back into the groove of things, the doorbell rings again. i’m not expecting anyone this time. so i come out of the kitchen with a puzzled look, look over to my lama, he nods, smiles, gestures to the door. i go to open it.
outside stands a monk i do not recognize even as somehow, i instinctively know this man is a Buddha. it just… radiates from him. i drop to the ground, ready to prostrate, but he lifts me slowly and easily, one finger under my chin, the simple touch resonates like lightening, even as it is without anything other than bliss. he hugs me. i hug him. he pulls away, looks at me, laughs like a child. goes to sit with my lama.
they both wave me to the kitchen. so i return. once more lost to rhythm, timing, and ‘getting it done’. no sense of rush now, no pressure, and no anxiety. just the sense that everything is happening as it should, and all i have to do to keep from mucking it all up is be willing to be as i am, and not try to make things happen any slower or faster.
which is much easier than i ever thought it would be.
when i think this, i start laughing. at precisely the same moment, from outside the kitchen, the Buddha and the lama burst out into laughter as well. “Yes!” rises like one sound from both of them. we all laugh even harder.
how silly i have been!
then, the doorbell rings again.
i move to answer, this time, not puzzled and smiling. i realize that it doesn’t matter who is there or that they are unexpected. which is a good thing to be thinking in that moment, because before i even open the door, i know who are standing on the other side.
i approach the door to open, then i remember, one of them has a key.
then i remember, he has forgotten he has it.
so i open the door, smile welcome, wave them in.
they arrive, the Buddha and the lama stand, move to them embrace them. they move into the apartment, as they encounter the boxes and items, they poke in them, looking and curious. it is rude, but not bothersome, they are curious and do not care for etiquettes. i smile, understanding, return to the kitchen.
finally dinner is ready. i serve to the tables in the back room and prepare the area around the two, short tables and the seating pillows. light potala on the far end of the room, adjust and freshen the chrysanthemums… their yellows and oranges and reds and whites like floral clouds, open and soft.
i smile for the lotus that grows out of the circle cut into the floor that sits between the two tables. a small pond there… actually, the apartment is ground floor, and built over a river. each unit on this floor has this wonderful feature, though this was the only apartment that had a lotus growing in it. i took it as a sign.
i’m smiling for that memory as the Buddha, the lama, and the two enter the room.
The Buddha sits at the first table, west side, facing the east. the two sit north and south at that same table, facing one another. the lama and i sit at the other table. he, to the east, and i to the west, facing him.
all begin to eat. behind me, i can hear the whispers of the two, they are talking to one another about me. it is a worried conversation. there is much fear and anxiety. i hear these whispers and am tempted to turn around and tell them that i hear them. the lama smiles to me, shakes his head slowly. he and i have had this discussion before… sometimes it makes me so angry. but the lama tells me it only makes me angry because i do not see it is necessary for them to learn how untrue it is and the only way they can learn that is to first “know it true” so they can find their way to know it as it is.
i nod and we fall silent, begin eating. the whispers behind me continue, the presence of the Buddha at the other table touching my back like sunshine. the thoughts and concerns for those two melt away and i remember how hard i worked over this food…. and i delight in that, regardless the whispering, everyone is eating and enjoying greatly the nourishment.
after some time, when the whispering has continued all through dinner, and continues even as all are washing their fingers in the little bowls at the table, the Buddha behind me rises and moves to this table to sit at the north. he reaches over and lightly covers my hand with his own, smiles to me, and says, ‘it is a good meal. let yourself be happy that you have nourished us all and try not to focus so much on the sounds in the air. there can be no sound that remains in you.’
the lama smiles to me and says, ‘yes, a very good meal. all are satisfied in the ways that benefit. be content to know it.’
i nod and smile, collecting the dishes from the table at which i sit, turning to collect the dishes from the table behind me… only… it is empty.
i look to the Buddha and the lama, confused. they just smile.
i ask, ‘where did they go?’
the Buddha and the lama look at one another, then back to me. they shrug.
my lama looks to me and asks, ‘why could you not bow to them?’
it is then that i understand. and immediately woke up and came here to write it down.