who would have thought that one taste is as much after taste as taste? hah.
i’m sitting here thinking about the previous archival post and pondering the abject resistance and insistence that people so often cling to in relation to having a ‘static’ version of who others are to enjoy.
actually, i’m thinking about the apparent reality that there are people who think that accepting these things actually… did… happen must mean heath or michael are ‘evil, bad human beings’.
i’m also thinking about the ramifications of what it means to think that is the point, purpose, or intent of communicating any of this.
wow.
i really must be an alien. here, i can be angry and hurt over what has been done and not conclude all of that. if i can manage it, why is it so hard for those who declare and swear friendship to them?
i begin to feel as if i can actually understand why heath and michael spazzed so hard about me being around these folks. i mean, if this truth were seen and accepted, apparently, it really would result in a shattering.
that is at once horrific and sad. is this what friendship has come to in the world?
no wonder they were so obsessed with shutting me out everywhere they could. no wonder they needed that.
no wonder that every last one of them has painted this strictly in terms of ‘trying to shatter friendships’. they have been telling me all along that they simply cannot endure anything other than this magical illusion of perfection in one another.
it lands like a feather, but triggers a mind quake. wow. really. wow.
instant understanding of many other things in relation to both heath and michael. sudden clarity on how and why they reacted as they did to attempts to help, to intercede and simply do what needed to be done.
stars. how must it be to live in a world where humanity itself is rejected utterly? condemned at the moment of expression? no wonder their world and all its landscape is such a tightly guarded oasis, surrounded by pockmarks of utterly scorched earth.
i have written a good deal of very positive good things about heath and michael in this last year.
i have also written a good deal of extremely angry, negative things about them.
neither set mean a damn thing and both were required to reach this moment.
apparently, i’m the only one who can actually afford to see that, let alone accept it for what it is.
shipwrecked souls, clinging to the only thing known, anything that in any way as much as breathes upon skin is instantly, eternally rejected.
suddenly that i am condemned utterly and painted with the colors of obscenity and evil no longer hurts. it is understood. really understood.
pangs of understanding, ache that is compassion, and the softest of winds lifting away.
undone and done.
so odd to feel the hurt and anger just… melt.
finally and fully — forgiven. utterly. oh utterly.