this, a conversation with the master sergeant, in which the same choices arise and in which it is demonstrated that perhaps this silly dandelion of a woman really can learn.
posted with permission, as is noted toward the end of the conversation. thank you, master sergeant. for everything. (hug)
******** is online.
Exsultare: ok…well. i wrote a piece at the blog before i went to bed to capture the feeling of the moment. re-read it today and have been thinking about it ever since. still am, really.
******** : how so?
Exsultare: so i’m not sure trying to talk about it now is such a good idea. on the other hand, if i don’t talk about it now, it’s just going to sit here and bubble and i’m pretty sure that’s not a good idea either. problem is, neither are really good ideas and i feel like i have to choose between them.
might be best if you would take a moment to read the post. see where i’m at. i’d offer to read it to you, but this is likely one best to read directly.
******** : I can do that… lemme fire up firefox brb
******** : I’ve read it. You’ve described impermanence before.. I think I’ve got a handle on the idea.
Exsultare: then you’re ahead of me. because i never seem to manage it. i conceptualize it, but it just doesn’t sink in
******** : I’m not exactly how it applies here though
Exsultare: i realize that’s because i’m looking for security in others. and i realize that is not something i should be doing. but… i … well. i just never seem to manage it. my head has been full of thoughts toward ‘someday’ and you… and i sit here and feel somewhat foolish that it never occurred to me that ‘someday’ wasn’t really a place you were looking at… that, instead, you were wondering if it was even worth trying because you cannot see beyond our differences in beliefs to a place where it could be possible. or at least, that was the sense i got. perhaps i misunderstood. i can’t say i know.
i felt like you were telling me not to count on you.
which is ok if you are… or at least, it should be. but i’m having a hard time with it. so i’m kind of hoping i misunderstood.
did i?
******** : I have a hard time seeing past the end of next week… I don’t know why exactly but I’ve been doing day-by-day for so long now I forget to look down the road. You’d mentioned concepts (the exact names are escaping me) of living in the now, and such that I didn’t feel like I had to sit down and figure out the future of things. I suppose I should have.. It would’ve been the right thing to do.
Exsultare: i’m all about the moment, yes. when i remember to be. =/ i suppose that is my issue, the ongoing conflict between what i aspire to and what i am. i’m sure that is confusing to others, to you. but it seemed fairly clear last night that not only were you unconvinced in this moment, you were and are actively putting distance between us due to it. which makes it very much a concern of the moment, regardless whether or not it is also a concern ‘for the future’. if that makes sense.
i guess question really isn’t so much for the future as it is this moment.
the feeling of that distance disturbs me. i do not like it. but if it is necessary for you, then it is as it is. and i have to decide what is going to be workable for me.
Exsultare: would it be best for you if we were to slow down a bit and return to the concept of friendship rather than relationship in the couple sense?
or am i completely offbase in the thought that we ever reached a moment in which that transition actually took place?
i’m asking for a reality check. (smile) where are we, ******** ? and where do you want us to go?
******** : it’s a worry… concern that if we’re not looking at exactly the same things that my being around all the time is hurting you. (I’ve read that sentence 20 times now and it’s still not making sense)
Exsultare: which one? mine?
******** : mine the worry one…
Exsultare: you’re worried that we’re not looking for the same things in each other, or that because we think differently, we cannot hope to find common ground in a relationship?
******** : a whole world of posible meaning in a couple of words, but if we’re using them the same way, yes
Exsultare: to both questions?
******** : I’m trying very hard to put it into words that make sense… and I’m failing at it
Exsultare: it’s ok. i’m gathering information and this is clarifying for me. may i ask you something?
******** : Please
Exsultare: what things are you looking for in me? and what things do you think i am looking for in you?
******** : To know you, to talk with you, to learn with and from you, to care
******** : If I’m getting the message straight, I think you’re looking for the forever and ever Amen version of things. While we’re complimentary in many ways we aren’t alike in all that many either
Exsultare: ok. so would it be correct to say that you are not looking for a relationship and that it is this concern that i am which has caused the need for distance?
******** : it’s a question of fairness… (insert my logic here) that if I’m even questioning my ability to give you what you want, then taking up your time, your caring just isn’t right
Exsultare: i understand the motivation. but i still would like a direct answer to the previous question. (smile)
******** : based on that motivation, the answer is yes
Exsultare: then i would think what you need to hear from me is a few things… do you mind if i say them now?
******** : of course
Exsultare: honestly, yes, i am looking for a life partner. i cannot deny it. and everyone i meet with whom i have any degree of connection is seen as a viable possibility and i firmly believe in committing to the exploration of such possibilities fully when they present themselves.
with that said however…
i also believe that anyone who would be a life partner would have the willingness to commit as well and fully and for the same reasons, as an exploration… without any degree of demand on outcome. which likely sounds a paradox… but to me, it isn’t. because…
while the goal is the goal, it is mutually accepted that at any point along the exploration, it could be determined by either of us that such a thing is not feasible or possible, at which point it is agreed an accepted that a strong friendship is the best and most beneficial thing for either of us.
so when things like this rise, naturally, the question turns to understanding where you are, telling you where i am, and deciding between ourselves what, if anything should be agreed upon going forward.
does that seem proper and ethical and right to you?
******** : read it like 5 times… yes it seems right
Exsultare: ok. so with this said… would you be more comfortable with us deciding to be friends, or are you preferring to continue exploring?
******** : if we had to put a label on things, I think friends would be more fitting. It takes the pressure off and allows things to happen at their own pace/direction.
Exsultare: do you understand that the reason i’m asking is because you are withdrawing from me and, if i say nothing, that will continue and i would not wish to see it do so?
******** : Yes, that makes sense
Exsultare: i am sorry that i have put pressure on you, or made you feel that you are being pressured. that is not my intention and you should not have to feel like that. i will work on not doing this going forward.
******** : Sorry hon, I’m reading things four and five times… trying to be sure that I’m not missing something or getting it wrong
Exsultare: i appreciate your willingness to be so mindful. (hug) so ok. friends. i like that. you are a good friend. and i am thankful to have your friendship.
and i appreciate that you could have this conversation with me and be this tender in relation to me as i worked through it. with you.
******** : I’m just sick at the thought of disappointing you
Exsultare: have i said you have disappointed me?
******** : no you haven’t
Exsultare: you have not disappointed me. if anything, you underscore the reasons that i am best gifted by you. communication is necessary and beautiful. thank you for this.
******** : I’m not so sure about the beautiful part… you’ve certainly got a good way of looking at things
Exsultare: not always. but i’m working on it. in very real ways that we have this conversation and it proceeds like it does is the direct result of the last year’s learning. so perhaps in it, some small evidence that all the flipping and twisting i go through is actually helpful. (smile)
for all it must often look incredibly painful from the outside. and yes, admittedly, is often so here. (chuckle) still, growth is sometimes painful. but i won’t avoid it for that. that would be silly.
(grin)
******** : You’re an amazing woman. Point taken (smile)
Exsultare: not really. but i could be. which is why i work this hard.
i want to be.
may i ask you one thing more?
******** : sure
Exsultare: i would very much like to blog this. is it something of a milestone for me. i would remove any identifying items, of course. no one knows who you are except as ‘the master sergeant’ and that has been somewhat deliberate.
may i have your permission to do so?
******** : (cringing a bit on the inside) Yeah, that sounds ok
Exsultare: thank you. it is important to me for a number of reasons.
bleh. 3. i need to get to work. =/
i’ll likely be vanguarding tonight. but if you like, can check in later.
******** : I’d like that. mind if I call you later? fed ex stopped by with the parts!
Exsultare: you know the door is always open here. (hug) excellent! oooh, the geek in me is green! heh
******** : 🙂
Exsultare: ok. to work with me. and again… thank you. for many things, but mostly just for being you. get to work, gnome!
******** : Thank you for being you 🙂
Exsultare: (grin)
******** : WooHooo
Exsultare: heh. ~waves and heads out~