i love it when a new rose appears.
[19:27] ********: drat! i missed you [Offline Message (Wed Apr 18 17:59:09 2007)]
[19:27] me: not at all
[19:27] ********: !?
[19:27] me: heh
[19:27] ********: reading your blog
[19:27] me: indeed.
[19:27] ********: ********=insomnia atm
[19:27] me: no worries.
[19:28] ********: 00:30!
[19:28] me: i’m impressed and mildly humbled. the wall of text has not put you to sleep? (grin)
[19:28] me: listened to your stuff at download.com. you’re damn good. i enjoyed every track.
[19:28] ********: ZZzzzz!?
[19:28] me: lol
[19:29] ********: shocked and appalled by some of your blog entries
[19:29] me: how so?
[19:29] ********: well, in an academic kind of scientific physicist sort of way
[19:29] me: how so?
[19:29] ********: re: “what i believe”
[19:30] me: there’s a lot here and it’s all flying pretty loose at the moment. hah. that. well, i have a lot of odd theories and such. some of which i work on when i’ve nothing better to do…
[19:30] ********: the ghost stuff, our quantum physics has a very deteministic stance
[19:30] ********: *your
[19:31] me: yeah, i’m full of conflicts. yet unresolved. hence the writing. it’s how i process. but i have to admit, i’m stuck in a number of places. but hey… keep’s life interesting.
[19:31] me: if/when you dig deeper, you’ll understand. i am reluctant to admit there is a lot of ugly hiding there.
[19:31] ********: it’s a bit dated if you don’t mind me saying, and i meant non-deterministic. heisenberg was a fraud!
[19:31] me: but since it is, i will.
[19:32] me: frankly, it doesn’t matter. even as it all matters. but that’s just me being… whatever.
[19:32] ********: i… think… i… understand….
[19:32] me: i’m just looking for the damn switch. had i know all this would start up when i flipped the fucker on….
[19:32] me: (chuckle)
[19:32] ********: and i stayed up especially
[19:32] ********: 🙁
[19:33] me: especially for what?
[19:33] me: to read?
[19:33] me: oh hell, then let me help you. what are you looking for? i mean, i’m the damn librarian.
[19:33] me: heh
[19:33] ********: i was staying up for YOU!
[19:33] me: the switch comment was about my mind.
[19:33] me: not you. heh.
[19:33] me: actually…
[19:34] me: i was hoping you’d be awake. so there.
[19:34] ********: i’m…
[19:34] me: you’re…? (curious look)
[19:34] ********: not just me that enjoyed our conversation today then?
[19:34] me: hell no. damn it.
[19:34] ********: i see you’ve almost blogged it
[19:34] ********: i feel honoured
[19:34] ********: kind of
[19:34] me: most of it. didn’t get the beginning. rankles. i blogged it as a reminder.
[19:35] me: and also because it left me smiling the remainder of the day, regardless. i adore fresh brains. heh.
[19:35] ********: likewise
[19:35] ********: interested in your “maybe an alien” entry, what’s that about?
[19:35] ********: bit of a diatribe
[19:35] me: well, it’s fresh to you, me, that is… here, i’m stale. a breakup. recent.
[19:35] me: i’m forever … well… it’s all there.
[19:36] ********: i thought it might be about “people” in general, i find them as bad
[19:36] me: ‘too intense’… or too [insert adjective here] basically, i must be a damn alien. i just don’t seem to really fit anywhere.
[19:36] ********: are you the one in your circle that has to keep in contact with everyone?
[19:37] me: been like that all my life. yeah. and i’m tired of it. but i’m tireder still of the silence when i don’t. more than tired. but we’re hovering on the border of angst. let’s back away slowly.
[19:37] ********: lol! 41? 14 more like!
[19:37] me: eh?
[19:37] ********: angst
[19:37] me: i am angst. =/
[19:38] me: maybe that’s it. i never really had 14. hmm.
[19:38] ********: not just for teens
[19:38] me: it’s what’s for … life? ouch. that’s not a fun thought. but here i sit… 41… and still… so maybe you’re right.
[19:39] ********: i’m the same, i get sick of reminding everyone how quickly friendships can fade, lose touch. people are complacent and don’t realise how precious other people are
[19:39] me: YES
[19:39] ********: but they’ll come crawling back in end, mark my words
[19:39] me: i fucking ache for all the people i wish i still had contact with. and i often hate myself for it. but i can’t help it.
[19:40] ********: “it’s called getting old mate” what one of my friends said on this very issue
[19:40] me: they haven’t yet. i run that circuit all the time… will they… won’t they… why do i care… bleh.
[19:40] me: well that’s just it.
[19:41] me: i’ve been this way all my life. 2, 5, 8, 12, 14, 23, 30, 35, 37, 41… the numbers just don’t change a damn thing, for all they change.
[19:41] ********: fuck ’em, unless your lonely, then call ’em!
[19:41] me: lonely isn’t really it. though it’s a convenient word.
[19:41] ********: i find that 00:45 on a weekday works best
[19:42] me: i tend to see lonely more as the whole selfish thing. what i’m missing isn’t having, its being able to give. i’m just not happy unless i’m giving. it’s a real pain in the heart.
[19:42] ********: i know what you mean, not lonely, maudlin?
[19:42] me: (points up)
[19:43] me: hard to describe. i have a need to do for others. it’s… well… i guess it’s bizarre. obviously. seems to run people off faster than a brain eating zombie.
[19:43] ********: hey, don’t get me started on altruism
[19:43] me: no…
[19:43] me: look, what is the difference between charity and altruism?
[19:43] me: charity doesn’t require you bleed.
[19:43] ********: $10
[19:44] ********: is this a rhetorical question?
[19:44] me: just because… that’s my motto. in very real ways. you have no idea. sigh. and it’s hard to live for the just because where there’s no one around to do it just because for…
[19:44] ********: that’s my answer to the question, why?
[19:45] ********: i meant to quote that
[19:45] me: meh. the point was i don’t like altruism because it mandates that you have to bleed.
[19:45] me: i’m not into masochism, though i suppose at this point, that would be open to debate. (wry grin)
[19:45] ********: does it? i don’t even consider that there is such a thing
[19:46] me: sure there is. you see it every night on the telly. it’s the reason most people do anythying… the payoff… the reward… the recognition.
[19:46] me: here, an example
[19:46] me: yesterday…
[19:46] me: my company had a stack of monitors, very nice 19 – 21″ ones… they were tossing them. told us to help ourselves.
[19:47] me: i could only fit two in the truck. so i took two. brought one home. my neighbor, who i don’t know was getting out of her car. asked her if she had a computer. she said yes. offered her a monitor. she thought i was trying to sell it. hah. corrected her. she couldn’t take it fast enough. it didn’t even matter than she thought i was trying to sell to her. only that i could surprise her, give her something nice… just because.
[19:48] ********: i think your making my point for me, there is no such thing as a truly selfless act on account of the ego
[19:48] ********: *you’re
[19:48] me: took the other up to the local computer store… kid wearing a uniform that worked there in the parking lot. offered him the other one. he had tape on his glasses. not on the bridge, on the side. no… you’re not getting it.
[19:48] ********: …
[19:48] me: i didn’t do it for how it made me feel.
[19:48] me: i did it for the look of surprise they had.
[19:49] me: the nano second reaction before greed kicks in
[19:49] ********: and how did that make you feel?
[19:49] me: the thing that says somewhere inside…
[19:49] me: ‘you know, maybe this is still really possible in life.
[19:49] ********: when you saw that look?
[19:49] me: like it was possible for us all.
[19:49] me: hopeful.
[19:49] ********: did you… LIKE that feeling?
[19:49] me: i’m crying. a moment.
[19:49] me: no. sad.
[19:50] ********: crying?!
[19:50] me: i understand you think it’s about how it made me feel. but that’s not it. but i can’t show you that. or convey it. (shrug) which is sad to me.
[19:51] ********: you know what, i still think it IS about how it made you feel, but that’s a good thing
[19:51] ********: it’s the fact that those feelings and actions make you feel good that’s important in my book
[19:51] ********: the fact that you have the desire to do it
[19:52] me: the distinction is small, but it is there. it’s not for making me feel ‘good’, not for ego. it’s for making me feel hopeful that maybe we’re not hopeless after all.
[19:52] ********: that you have a driver, not everyone has that
[19:52] me: i’d like to kick the fucker out of the cab.
[19:52] me: but i can’t.
[19:52] ********: i know what you mean about ego, i meant in the literal academic sense, not in a politician kind of way
[19:53] ********: maybe i meant…. id
[19:53] me: but yeah, i cry at the drop of a molecule. sucks. but if i didn’t, i reckon i’d explode, so a convenient pressure valve. hah. i wrote value. hmmm.
[19:54] ********: value?
[19:54] me: slip showing. heh. why i admitted it… maybe just to keep my ego in check. i do have one. stars, it’s fucking huge. but i’m whittling on it.
[19:55] ********: everyone’s got one, don’t whittle it to nothing mate
[19:55] me: impossible, i’m pretty sure. so safe.
[19:55] me: resilient thing. makes me mad sometimes.
[19:56] me: i find it interesting that i encounter you at this juncture in the moment. i have been seriously considering unplugging. fully. hah.
[19:57] ********: i do the same kind of charity/altruistic stuff too, when i get the chance, not for bragging rights, or to absolve my sins, or for pennance, or for glory, or guilt, but because… just.. it’s nice
[19:57] ********: fully?
[19:57] me: offline.
[19:57] ********: *phew*
[19:57] me: hah
[19:57] me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
[19:57] me: no
[19:57] me: no
[19:57] me: never
[19:57] me: you have NO Idea
[19:58] me: but if you read there much, you will
[19:58] me: do i seem prone to you? wow.
[19:58] ********: what is involved in unplugging… fully?
[19:59] ********: prone? that’s what bhuddists do isn’t it? or am i thinking of prostration?
[19:59] me: shutting off the isp. selling the computer. forgetting the internet. stop trying to root myself in it.
[19:59] me: (chuckle) ok. i reckon that is an answer.
[19:59] ********: excellent idea! fuck ’em!
[19:59] me: yeah, well, i know how good i am at forgetting. =/
[19:59] me: not going to happen.
[20:00] me: but it felt good to even have the thought. even though it was fully reactionary.
[20:00] ********: are your best ideas at night or in the morning?
[20:00] me: it never matters.
[20:00] me: why?
[20:00] ********: do you fall asleep with good intentions and do nothing about them in the morning?
[20:00] me: there’s no way to say this without it coming out wrong, but…
[20:01] me: i’ve got more bandwidth than i know what to do with and that’s part of the problem. boredom is just lethal here. and the fucker is always hungry.
[20:02] me: no, i make mental lists and work odd theories in the spaces inbetween. until i fall asleep. then, in the morning, i wake up and see how far i got while i slept and then continue.
[20:02] ********: lethal boredom? where?
[20:02] ********: at home? work? in general?
[20:02] me: heh. all the time. woohoo.
[20:02] ********: or just on the internet?
[20:03] me: oh. boredom. no, i usually manage to stave that off.
[20:03] me: but it always feels like barely. which is frustrating.
[20:03] ********: there just isn’t enough hours in the day for my sad little life
[20:03] me: i may just cave to it to see what happens.
[20:03] me: sad?
[20:03] me: little?
[20:03] me: how so?
[20:04] ********: not really, i just don’t have a lot of “********” time
[20:04] me: then i’m glad you’re getting some now. or at least, i hope you are.
[20:04] ********: or is this ******** time?
[20:04] me: yes. no. neither. both. 🙂
[20:04] ********: neither, like it.
[20:05] ********: so we’re both missing out, nihilism rules!
[20:05] me: this is, i think, common ground. which is nice. belongs to no one, shared by everyone, and begrudged never.
[20:05] ********: or it would do if anyone could be bothered
[20:05] me: lol
[20:05] ********: chewing the fat
[20:06] ********: i feel guily
[20:06] ********: guilty
[20:06] me: hrm? why?
[20:06] ********: this is an indulgance isn’t (raised a catholic=guilt+atheism)
[20:06] me: too much fun?
[20:06] me: i can try to be boring. if it will help.
[20:06] me: help you sleep?
[20:06] me: heh
[20:06] ********: yes. and i’m trying to figure out why
[20:07] me: hrm
[20:07] me: well let’s see…
[20:07] ********: and why i was thinking about talking to you again, nost of the day, v distracting
[20:07] me: why would ******** feel guilty for talking?
[20:07] me: ah.
[20:08] ********: and… i’m constantly trying not to flirt with you because i don’t really want to and i’m trying to get my head around that
[20:08] me: well. there’s an ocean and a heck of a lot of circumstances to insure safety. not to mention my own rather inflexible code of ethics. and your own. so i am not worried.
[20:08] ********: there must be some kind of genetic imperative at work
[20:08] me: think of me as a brain in a jar. it’s all i really am, you know. very likely all i’ll ever be. there’s safety in that, too. (smile)
[20:09] ********: lol! beat me to it!
[20:09] me: nothing wrong with feeling alive. long as i don’t confuse it with anything else.
[20:09] ********: i was going to say something on those lines
[20:09] me: i know. that may sound odd. but i did know.
[20:09] ********: wierd though, being attracted to someone’s words, words alone
[20:09] me: that’s because you’re not.
[20:10] me: hah. now this, i understand.
[20:10] ********: …
[20:10] me: there is power in words because words convey all things. feeling. presence. the moment.
[20:10] ********: it’s the thoughts isn’t it? the mind?
[20:10] ********: brain in a jar?
[20:10] me: and when someone connects with you in a way that matches your own internal methods or even closely approximates them… the reaction occurs across the triad…
[20:10] me: it all starts in the mind. come on, you know that. 😉
[20:11] me: triad being mind, spirit, and body.
[20:11] me: and you feel it.
[20:11] me: you FEEL it.
[20:11] me: and as we’re beings of reaction, we react.
[20:11] me: just is. (shrug) doesn’t become an issue until we attach to it or try to make it more.
[20:11] ********: indeed
[20:11] me: well, you’re not alone.
[20:12] ********: *looks over shoulder*
[20:12] me: heh
[20:12] me: i’m more than full with my own tornadoes. i’ll not add to yours or mine. i just enjoy exploring you. ok?
[20:13] ********: no problem, bring on the probe! i love it
[20:13] me: heh
[20:13] ********: ah! i remember why i wanted to chat to you again
[20:13] me: engaged. i read it, feel it. thank you for that. why?
[20:14] ********: in a word, cerebral, rather than eccentric is the word i’d use to describe you
[20:14] me: kindness. and appreciated. thank you again. i often wonder. obviously.
[20:15] ********: why i enjoyed our chat, and what made it have an impact, is that it gave me something to think about beyond the conversation itself
[20:15] ********: or rather, the conversation was paused
[20:15] me: (nod)
[20:15] me: i understand.
[20:16] ********: must… sleep… now….
[20:16] me: rest well.
[20:16] ********: (not that you are sporific or anything)
[20:16] me: heh
[20:16] me: i’ll settle for soothing.
[20:16] ********: goodnight
[20:16] me: night.
[20:16] *** “********” signed off at Wed Apr 18 20:16:38 2007.