yeah, i’m a people, too. all the same, sometimes people are just weird.
it always strikes me funny and sad at once how people work so hard to admit we’re all the same and then, take the first opportunity that presents itself to leap back under the rug of ego and play ‘la la la la, i can’t HEAR YOU…’
i know for a fact i’m an alien. i know it is not normal to just… embrace this fully. i know people can’t see the difference, or, when they do, they just cannot accept it for what it is. it scares the crap out of them. i even know why.
i think it scares them the most because they know i know why and i do it anyway. fearless. but you know what? there is nothing TO fear. that’s the point.
do you know how many times i’ve been told there’s something wrong with me because all the usual things that would run someone off just slide off me?
do you know how many times i’ve been utterly condemned because i still care just because i can?
do you really think that matters to me? i can’t even keep count of them. i don’t even try. why would i? why should i?
it doesn’t matter.
do you know how many times i have met someone who was just so sure i hated their guts and they were all knotted up and worried and it was all i could do not to just keel over laughing? not out of cruelty, not of of lack of care, but because i am always just so surprised that anyone could actually think that. really believe it.
do you know how sad it is to always see that in others and know how unnecessary it is? shit. i cry all the damn time for it. you have NO idea.
i’m crying right now just thinking about it.
do you know how hard it is to say what must be said when it is known how much it is going to hurt? and why?
or how hard it is to know it must be said knowing no one will understand why? that they’re just going to think it’s cruelty?
do you know how hard it is to do it anyway, knowing that is what will be received?
do you really know how hard that is?
do you know how hard it is to be hard when all you want to do is be soft? how it feels to have a life where the soft things are almost always impossible and only the hard ones possible?
it’s like some weird karmic dance and though i could float with the rest, i’m required to step on toes and grin while doing it, and know it’s going to be taken as insult and offense and endure that too, because that’s what is necessary.
how do i know it is necessary? would you choose to understand it if i tried to explain? no one ever does except the lamas i talk to… they make me cry. they get it and they tell me its ok, but they’re the only ones that ever do. so it’s hard. very hard.
you know the worst part? it hurts all the time. but i suppose that it’s supposed to… which i can’t say i understand, but maybe one day i will.