today is, i think, a creative day. it has that feeling. i think it may be response to the news that a friend of a friend has died. not sure. whatever the reason, there is a creative storm brewing. i feel it like barometric pressure in the brain. in the blood. no ‘more’ tag this time. just running. for now.
wrote a crappy bit of ‘american haiku’. hah. what a contradiction. but here it is:
crawling, like a babe
soon to run like a grown up
only to fall down
life is a red scrape
bandaids upon the spirit
never stop forever
tick-tock the damn clock
the whispers of saudade
balm and yet, haunting
tell me once more, please
why i ever learned to run
or why i can’t stop
caffiene and cognizance. bittersweet combination. entendre there and many meanings, but not chasing them. yet.
i feel… alive. alone. hungry. i feel like i need to DO something, but i have no idea what. or where. or how. so i sit here, thrumming like a tuning fork and lightly frustrated for having no sense of direction that is strong enough to motivate me out of this chair.
i tell myself it is wise to be still until that motivation comes. only so often it doesn’t. which, after time, feels like foolishness. i think of all the ‘things i’m missing’ but then i laugh, i can’t be missing them too much if i won’t get out of this chair to go after them, can i?
the chase has never been helpful here. never. i’m learning to be still. for all the mind continues to be that hound eternally on point and willing to course.
stars, i adore sumatra. nutty, smooth and warm, the feeling of it filling my throat and winding wet, caffeinated trails into my stomach is somehow sensual.
hah. i suppose i’m missing more than motivation in this moment. ah well. don’t ‘they’ always say that as long as you miss a thing, you can hope to enjoy it again? i think forgetting about remembering is the real danger. but not for me, of course. sigh.
Belladonna’s ‘Meltin Guitar’ plays on the stream. fast, almost techno beat with something approximating spanish guitar and punctuated by her intermittent ska-ish, wordless vocalizations.
i miss being able to mix. splice. record. have tried a few pieces, but the quality isn’t where it should be. poor laptop just doesn’t have the juice for it.
mind wandering, obviously. free form spinning, being dandelioness.
tomorrow is mother’s day. oddly, i find myself wishing i could have another child. even as i immediately laugh. not really. i mean, i’d like to have that close, warm, oh-love-more-than-love’s-own-loving-of-love feeling. but it doesn’t have to be a baby. actually, it never is these days. i suppose it was a selfish thought. so many are, you know. sigh.
back to thinking about getting out of the apartment for a while. hrm. i bet the loaf would have some ideas.
see? it does work. now i’m motivated. so thank you. heh. yes, you. this one was written knowing that you, you anonymous, unnamed, unknown one, would be reading it… and perhaps thinking, ‘sheesh, she really does need to just get out of the apartment.’ and because i can imagine you saying it, suddenly, i am able to agree with you, enough to do it.
so thank you.
i love you, you know. especially when you’re helpful like this.
heh.