i am learning new lessons lately. sometimes, they are hard.
someone told me not too very long ago that it was hard to know me. they told me why, but i’m not going to repeat it because there is no way to say it without sounding like something or someone i’m not.
this, this was a person who swore the same friendship as many before, and who has, as many others, passed out of my sight.
i no longer get angry at it. and i’m almost no longer sad for it. i suppose the lesson of impermanence is finally sticking. i’m learning how to not keep trying. understanding that sometimes, things just happen the way they need to.
i haven’t quite gotten the hang of it fully just yet. saw them tonight and tossed a cheery hello to them and watched as they passed without words and continued on their way.
it almost didn’t hurt. almost. but it didn’t make me angry. just tugged at that place in the heart.
i suppose it is a good thing not to feel the ragged edge of loss. at least it seems so.
and i think about the friends who remain and smile. i am thankful for friendships that last longer. even as i realize any one of them could, in any moment, pass just as quickly and as fully.
as odd as it may sound, it really does just make me treasure them more in this moment.
it is ironic, the lesson of ‘abandon all hope of fruition’. it isn’t as dark as thing as it sounds. though i suppose i would have seen it so myself not too very long ago. even as sometimes, i still feel the tug of temptation to continue seeing it so.
heavy sigh. but only a single tear. mostly for beauty that cannot last, but oddly mixed with thankfulness for having known it at all. hard to explain.
there’s no such thing as forever. but sometimes, i wish there were. can’t quite help it just yet.