An apology, at base, is an expression of sorrow and guilt for actions taken that render pain or injury to another.
Culturally, it is a means by which to humble oneself to the injured party, and alot to them the opening in which to have any hurt or injury given mitigated or redressed.
The idea of the apology, historically, is to give the offended party the opening in which to extract something of an ‘eye for an eye justice’. The idea behind it being that only in allowing the offended to ‘return’ the hurt or injury is the balance restored.
There is an additional connotation to the apology that has risen over time — the expression of empathy. To apologize for a thing known not to be of one’s doing as a means of saying, ‘I know it would hurt had I experienced it, thus, I apologize for knowing it has hurt or injured you.’
Over time, and thanks to both philosophical and theological systems, the act of contrition and apology has had the act of forgiveness associated to it. The intellectual notion, rising and being refined over time, is that it is a helpful practice to not deal hurt or injury, even when deserved. This, humanity’s way to attempt to move beyond the animal practices of ‘tit for tat’ that are usually found in social and cultural dominance structures.
But even this has been somewhat warped as humanity is quite clever at finding ways to use things to bolster their egos. Most times, ‘forgiveness’ is no longer an act of absolution, but instead, a somewhat arrogant expression of superiority — ‘note how I do not return the hurt or injury dealt to me. in this fashion, I demonstrate that I am a better or more superior person.’
Hardly helpful to anyone, really. Especially as it undercuts the sincerity of the apology itself and teaches the one giving it that it is an exercise in futility. Which, of course, is how we have come to the place where the apology has lost much of its meaning and most often today is used simply as a nod to that more formal process, with the words being a rather shallow reflection of the deeper actions that once accompanied them.
Succinctly, apologies are casual things today because they’ve become somewhat like ‘how are you doing?’ in that there is no real expectation of response beyond ‘fine. and you?’ People apologize randomly and often, for things that weren’t injurious or hurtful. In this manner, the very spirit of apology has been slowly undermined, as all concepts suffer when their purpose is made superficial.
With all of this said, there are certain things that are common to interpersonal relationships and, among these, the simple reality that such relationships are a series of actions and responses between two who choose to care for one another (to whatever degree or level).
The underlying foundation of any relationship based in care, honesty, and trust is a sincere belief that the other is never acting with intent to hurt or injure. This belief is primary and vital to the health of the relationship, because it is the single investment of faith from which all other things extend.
From this, any act that is found to be hurtful results not in an immediate reaction of anger and retaliation, but instead, in a contemplation of the one undertaking it in the context of what is known of them.
This is done to render the act into perspective and to remind one of one’s choice to vest trust and care…. literally, to remember that it is a shared thing, that trust and care, and from this remembrance, to develop understanding and compassion and honor as well as nourish and sustain the relationship itself.
To apologize for an act before it is known to have hurt or injured is to deprive others of the opening in which to accomplish this. Additionally, it is to, whether deliberately or not, deny others their legitimate right to decide for themselves if something has hurt or injured, and to communicate this in a fashion that would also be helpful and nourishing to ongoing relations.
To apologize for an act that another does not find hurtful or injurious is both to diminish the power of contrition within the relationship as well as to diminish another’s presence or worth within the context of the relationship by, essentially, saying,
‘I decide that my actions are hurtful or injurious. It matters not if you find them so. Hence, I will render my apology and resolve the guilt I feel.’
It is a selfish act in that not only does it presume upon another, it actually co-opts their activity and importance within the relationship.
Everyone does things that, upon reflection, they cringe to see of themselves. But that does not mean all such actions are hurtful or injurious to others. It is important for people to both know and accept their personal responsibility to communicate and express their feelings when there is need to do so. And it is important in relationships that this process of communication is carefully nourished and honored, or, like anything that requires care and attention to grow, it will instead wither and die.
If or when you hurt or injure me, it is my responsibility to tell you that you have done so.
It is not your responsibility to ‘always know’ or to ‘read my mind’ or to ‘figure it out for yourself’.
Because I care for and love someone, I will always tell them when they have hurt or injured me, not because I wish to cause them guilt or feelings of shame, but because it is the only way they can really know they have done so.
I know that others sometimes castigate themselves for how they do or say things. But it remains that their feelings of guilt or shame for their actions are not the same as my being hurt or injured by them. And it is not fair to them, me, or our relation with one another that they should be treated the same.
This is why I make a point of telling someone when an apology is not needed. To apologize to me when I am not hurt is a needless gesture to me, though I understand it may have benefit to them. And I am perfectly willing to accept that it may have benefit to them… and as many have seen, perfectly content to accept it is so and be content to tell them simply that it is not required here.
But, in the interest of understanding, and of communicating fully and well to them, I think it is important to express the thoughts I have on it.
Beyond this, to gently say to anyone listening — you need not apologize to me unless I say I am hurt or injured by something you have done. Just as I would expect you to tell me if something I have said or done has hurt or injured you.
That you may do so is not ‘an issue’ or ‘a problem’ here. Nor will it ever be so. But to the extent that you often feel that somehow, being who you are is a thing you must apologize for… it is important to take a moment to tell you that, so far as I am concerned, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilt or shame about… if anything, I count it a gift and a blessing that you are open and free in relation to me. Both in the moments you share smiles and the moments you share torments.
An apology between people is an expression of honor to the care, trust, and honesty upon which their relationship is founded. It should always be treated as such, as it is one of the primary methods by which a relationship is actively nourished.