sometimes i am confused. sometimes things make no sense. sometimes, in spite of myself, i wonder.
it has been a time since i have allowed myself to remember, since i have allowed myself to feel it. it is always there, of course. but most often, i ignore it. i ignore it because i do not understand how it can be when every manifest thing has been nothing but sharp, nothing but hurtful, nothing but thorns and barbed wire, screaming to me of disdain and distance, naming me horror and fear and forever and ever… pushing me away.
i suppose it is irony, that i still feel it. i dream that i am not alone in it, but i tell myself i am wrong. i do not know which is true. i wonder if it even matters anymore. it never seems to matter to anyone but me, and i am tired for all the mattering that never matters except silently.
i would be angry with myself, but what’s the point? no sense adding cruelty to the list. if i could help it, i would. if i could change it, i would. if i could be different, i would.
if i could lay it down, i would.
but i wouldn’t. and i know i never will. sigh. hard to explain.
i do not understand, of course. even as there are many things i understand all too well. the waves are always foamy, it is their way. the sand is always gritty, as is its way. the weight of a stone in my chest is, i suppose, better than the anvil that was there… but still an ache that will not leave me.
i comfort myself with the thought that it is not so heavy at times because it is shared. even as it is hard for me to believe it could ever be so — hard to keep faith when so many things have been so eagerly shattered. hard to believe when there is nothing but the silence, the ache, and the weight.
i’ve been ignoring it for a while, hoping it would go away. i tell myself that i’d rather it go away than hurt forever. but there is part of me that would rather hurt forever than to know it gone away. and i sit here and cry because it seems so hopeless that one should hurt forever… but i would rather be the one, this has not changed.
ka-rawa as takna. yes and no, neither and both.
a treasured ache, for all its pain. a cherished weight, for all its heaviness.
i still believe.