you ever notice how most misunderstandings come because someone fears a thing and, when there is some manner of miscommunication in play, will always leap to the conclusion most feared?
or how someone will telegraph what they suspect by how they react or what they say when an opening in which it appears they may be correct occurs?
or how someone will set forth a secret truth by how they react and how slowly or quickly they rush toward the outcome they most want or which is sublimated need?
i become somewhat annoyed with seeing it at all.
today, a misunderstanding. and a realization. and a withdrawal. not because i want to, but because i refuse to be part of what is seen as an ongoing dynamic that is hurtful to someone for whom i care.
they, of course, have always secretly feared that i would leave. and so, in the face of a small withdrawal in one space, speak quickly of a total abandonment as if reality.
they of course, have always secretly thought that i held ulterior motive. and so, in the face of circumstances that lend such a conclusion as even remotely possible, speak of choices that should not be made as if ever i had asked them to be so.
they, of course, have been trying to find the way to elegantly run like hell for a while now… having said on more than one occasion that they feel overwhelmed by me. and so, at this first clear opening, have made hasty retreat with past tense words and socially acceptable goodbyes, all nice and neat and clear so there can be no misunderstanding.
no, i do not misunderstand. i never have. though, sometimes, i wish i could.
i nodded, just once. and said only truth — it was not an abandonment. there were not and are not any ulterior motives. i accept they wish goodbye and because they wish it, it will be so.
and so it goes… oddly, in spite of it all, my own pattern just repeats and repeats. it feels like a flashback. i can almost hear some scratchy radio voice-over, ‘one year ago today….’ and the obligatory split-screen shot in which ‘then’ and ‘now’ stand side by side, perfectly mirroring… and then i realize… i’m no where in that frame.
i never was.
silly rabbit…. 🙁