saturday night, no longer a full moon, and too much coffee. hah. no telling what’s next… but i predict a ramble. not sure the topic yet, just emptying the thoughts and waiting to see what comes next…
i am learning how to not take it personally when people slip over the horizon. or start heading in that direction. it’s funny, because even though i am still accurately calling it, i’m shifting out of the space in which it ‘feels personal’ and therefore, has to hurt.
well, that’s what i say right now. as you know, moments change. but it’s a hopeful thing to have this moment. been a bit of an effort to get to it. so pardon me if i give myself a crumb for managing it. after all, it only took 41 years.
i wrote a note to a friend in cali about a month ago that he never saw. in it, i told him that i have known all along my purpose and presence was to be a buffer between him and irrevocable damage.
in fact, it seems my purpose/presence/proximity was to insure either that he find the way to maintain the structure his baby boys need or to do what was needed to push him back into the arms of his not-yet-ex-wife. the last task of which was to shut myself off from hearing about said not-yet-ex-wife and thus insure the illusion required to manage it was directly acknowledged as such. then of course, to be suitably annoyed at the silence.
that last part doesn’t require much effort… for all i understand it.
the irony rests in that he’ll probably think those were the only paths i was interested in. but it’s part and parcel of the work, really. what is needed, illusion and all, so long as the outcome is what it is – context of fantasy to turn someone back to the reality they aren’t willing to admit is so.
gets old though. mostly because part of the process is letting myself feel and believe in the possibility of it so i can first magnetize and then, repel.
perhaps that will read arrogant to some who don’t know me or my history. but the long string of saved marriages speaks for itself and it isn’t arrogant to just say what’s true.
not always marriages, mind you. sometimes just folks walking in circles and bout to keel over for it. process is the same and that list is even longer than the first one. but i have to admit, those are the ones that tend to hurt most.
the interesting thing is that most of it has just been my own learning so i could get past my own stuff and stop walking my own circles and get on with life. it’s neat to see how it all weaves together because most times you don’t really understand it until you’re through it. if then.
i’m finally starting to understand it. not sure if that means what i think it does or not. time will tell.
‘nothing personal’ is sometimes hard to face, but that doesn’t change that it’s nothing personal. learning how to stop treating those illusions as if they can be real has been harder, but i’m comforted to know it is not impossible. i’ve been kind of torn up on it for a time, so this moment of insight is something of a relief.
‘end of an era’ is the feeling of this moment. which is interesting and a bit curious. makes me wonder what’s next, but not in that ‘have to know now’ way. go figure. patience. hah. whoddathunk?
maybe it’ll even last.