i’ve always told myself that one of these days, i wasn’t going to have to sit here and ponder which thing i’m going to do without to make it through the next week.
i hate it when the choices are between clean clothes, food, or gasoline because even the food is liquid supplement these days and i’m kind of tired of everything being ridiculously bare minimum.
the laptop didn’t (and won’t) sell and i cannot afford to do other than pawn it. this also bugs me because i had wanted to give it to someone out west who has need of it and now, i cannot.
so i’m sitting here a bit disgruntled. and trying not to remind myself that buying the mac now feels like a luxury. and guilt.
i’m tired of feeling like every movement, every moment that isn’t expenses or bills is somehow wrong.
i’m not a frivolous or foolish person. and i have no bills to speak of… which makes all this doubly annoying because it’s forever being on the verge of not being like this, and forever some freakish happening that extends it just a few more weeks.
or those rare moments when i actually feel like maybe i can live like a normal person and do something nice for myself for a change.
oops. no. looks like i was wrong. well, ok, i did do it, but now it means i’ll spend another month scrabbling because of it.
feels like punishment, only i know that’s silly. feels like stupidity, only i can’t see the fucking future, so how could it be?
oh. hah. silly me. just found a receipt i forgot to calculate into my checkbook. well. that settles that. looks like neither laundry nor the truck get satisfaction this week…. and i’ll be eating boost twice a day for another week.