woke up at 5:33 and couldn’t get back to sleep. uncertain why… no memory of a dream lingering, no space of inbetween, just popped awake. i’d say it was in that ‘for no apparent reason’ way, only there was no sense of something/someone waiting, just a sudden lunge into consciousness.
took about oh… fifteen minutes for the mind to spin up. odd the things that pass through in the process. the ‘litany’ of the “offline systems” lately (i suppose you’d call that the subconscious, except it isn’t exactly ‘sub’ here) continues to be the complex themes of interpersonal and socio-spiritual relationships.
does a person really have to qualify and quantify love in every utterance of the word in order not to frighten others? it would seem so. and from the offline system, the thought that maybe it would be helpful to just… say these things… so that any of the people i know might just… read them and finally get it, finally understand how and why it’s ok to be loved and it doesn’t mean anything more than you’re loved. sheesh.
there have been precisely two people in my life that i have loved in the manner most adults connote it. one has died and the other, i am dead to.
there is, of course ‘the man who doesn’t exist’ — but since he doesn’t exist, i can’t very well count him, can i?
on the other hand, i’d be lying by omission not to tell you — every, single one of you could be the man who doesn’t exist… all it ever takes is deciding that you want to be. this is how i see it and think of it, and while you may not believe it, that’s the truth of it… and while you may not believe it, i haven’t the heart to hold it against you that you’re not when you choose not to be. i love you just the same.
so. all of you secretly convinced i’m “in love with” you, i’m very sorry to let you down, but there it is. and all of you who think i love you…. well, you’re right. just not the way you think.
i’ll tell you that i love you regularly. because i do love you. very much. i’d do just about anything for any of you at the moment you mention or ask for it, because here, that’s what people who love one another do.
some of you i’ve made that offer to outright, because i thought it was important for you to know that you actually do have at least one person in your life willing to do so. poor judgement on my part, of course… all it managed was to scare you so badly that you either shut me out, wrote me off as mad, or set me into some odd role of horror that you need to feel you understand it.
i’ll grant you, i may well be mad. especially to the extent that it’s defined by not coloring inside society or culture’s lines. if that’s all madness is, then count me as such and happily so.
but for what it’s worth — here, in my world, it is madness that people are only willing to love one another if they can live together, or have some sense of possession in relation to one another, or some social or cultural ‘right’ to one another.
here, in my world, it is madness that telling someone you love them results in fear or suspicion. in my world, love is the one constant. it is free and cannot be owned. it is true in a way nothing else can ever manage. it is pure in a way people, society, and culture never quite sustain.
(no, not even me. goose. of course. i am a people, even though there are those of you who are just so convinced that i think i’m not… or something. sheesh. that i have the sense i must continually coddle your petty vindictiveness, judgement, or insecurity is sometimes quite annoying, i admit.)
love is. it needs nothing more to define it.
i know my world is not the same world that others live in… even as i try to forget sometimes, even as i try to manifest my world more fully into this one.
i often wish i could manage it. or, barring this, that people were not so afraid to enter it. there is so very little to fear here, in my world. you’d laugh at how utterly fearless my world is… but it often makes me cry because it’s one of the few areas that are translucent in comparison…. like onion paper, really. layered over this reality and the differences seen very clearly.
anyway. that’s the spool from offline for now. i’ve set it to other tasks and it’s gone conveniently and helpfully silent to process things. it occurs to me to remember that most folks think of their subconscious as some strange, unknown, alien force that ‘controls them’ or at least, is constantly warring for control. i admit, it seems odd to me — this notion that our bodies and minds are not a unified system. is it not natural and obviously so? considering physiology and comparative logic? one would think the world and nature would make it quite clear.
bleh. that’s another ramble entirely and it’s time for coffee. it will wait. for now.