short ramble of generally free form content. ad lib, even. heh.
well. a very peaceful and enjoyable day. morning out with mom, lunch with her and my daughter, smiles and hugs and merriment and now pondering next week.
white tea roses in a tiny glass vases — delicate and delightful — mom picked them for me and brought them with hugs and a ‘happy birthday’. they sit here, on my desk, blooming slowly.
peridot pendant, earrings, and my daughter’s shy smile… wondering if i’ll ‘like them’. as if i could not. she told me that mark was losing his house and never bothered going bankrupt. i felt sad for a moment, knowing she worries for him as well as me. nothing traditional here except love, i suppose.
it has been somewhat obvious here and there that she wishes we’d get back together. i don’t have the heart to tell her that we were never really ‘together’ to begin with… and i strongly suspect karma set us in proximity just long enough for her to be conceived.
the things that occur sometimes. i’m chuckling at myself, of course. there are times when i feel as if i’ve missed out on quite a lot in life that it seems so many others have and enjoy… but then, as i do now, i realize the important things i’ve never been without… the few folks i do have in my life are amazing and caring people of a level you just don’t encounter much ‘these days’.
sometimes perspective seems like a forever rippling well. i can remember when i never focused on the negatives. is it time and experience that brings such habits? perhaps. the last seven years have been a fairly dark time in my life… and for all i constantly write here about how i’m going to get over the ridge of the dark valley, i do seem to slip backwards more often than not.
today, i feel as if i am standing on it… really looking to either side and seeing that most times, it’s nothing more than forgetting to remember the things that make me smile.
so i’m thankful of the reminders today.
it does not seem i am intended to have ‘much’ in this life, but the things i do have are solid and strong.
it does not seem i am intended to be a meteor, but perhaps a small candle. a candle isn’t a bad thing to have when the lights go out. heh.
you know how, sometimes, you get the feeling that nothing you’ve done actually matters or makes any difference? the whole jimmy stewart standing on the bridge feeling? i get that a lot and most times, feel pretty angry that i’m not stronger so i can do more than bridge the gap of the unorthodox and non-traditional life to date.
but i have to admit, just bridging the gap is kind of amazing all by itself. perhaps i should be more kind to myself and content myself with that more often… there are many places i could have stayed and none of them even remotely as nourishing as where i am, for all the bumps and cuts along the way.
maybe it’s just part of the human condition — to want to do more and always feel as if one isn’t doing enough. or maybe that’s just me being hard on myself as usual. i suppose i cannot say i really know.
i know my friends and family are consistent in their characterization of me, and i know it is much more positive than the one i often see when i look at myself.
it is hard to agree with them sometimes. i know what i might have done…. been. but maybe that’s the thing that this kind of thinking helps me the most with… remembering that past tense when speaking of the future is somewhat ridiculous. no reason whatever that i have to give up on anything. but admittedly, the path to where i want to be seems rather long and a lot rockier than it used to…. and i’m a lot more willing to say i’m tired than i used to be, too.
it all comes back to remembering when i thought i had ‘done it’, ‘made it’, and how horribly wrong i was… the realization that there really is no such thing as ‘secure’.
here, an admission — i’d rather not have anything than lose everything again. my attachment to ‘things’ is all but gone. little buddha girls thinks this is a good thing, but the rest of me just sighs. i dunno where i’m going to end up… and of all the things i’m tired of, i think i’m tired of being afraid most of all.
i do realize no one can fix that but me. so a good bit of my energy these days is focused on letting myself wander through all this and pick it slowly apart. cheering myself when i smile and consoling myself when i can’t… and reminding myself more frequently that it’s got a long way to go yet to be nearly as bad as the worst i’ve ever experienced.
and, of course, that history proves very neatly that i really can survive just about anything so long as i want to.
got to bloom where you’re planted, i suppose. i will never be a rose, but there’s no reason why i can’t be a grand dandelioness. heh.
42. wow. i don’t usually think about the years. i’d like to think the best is yet to come…
so i will.