archival email in which the many layers of illusion are removed and simple truths, said. it always amazes me that, no matter how many times i tell people ‘do not treat things you read here as true, often they are blended fact and fiction’ – they insist and persist upon doing it.
always, always to their detriment. and, for a rare moment, admitting, this is not fiction in any way, shape, fashion, or form.
—————————- Original Message ————————–
When it comes down it, after that email you sent, I haven’t felt much like
sharing with you. Friendship doesn’t mean being accepting being kicked in
the teeth when you try to help, particularly when you’re in a vulnerable
position yourself.
I’ve read your blog posts, and you obviously think that I misled you,
and/or that my offers of friendship and help weren’t genuine. I haven’t,
and they were, but given your reactions to my offers to help and innocuous
events since, I’ve decided to withdraw them.
————————————————————————
Yeah, it was all just so genuine and sincere that you have no issue
whatever with cutting it all off like a lightswitch. Whatever, —–.
Do you even have the ability to comprehend what an abject hypocrisy this
is? Or are your reflexes of self-absorption and narcissism so well honed
that it completely escapes you?
Consider those rhetorical questions. You answered them in actions better
than any words ever could.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
If being your friend means that I’m expected to let you hurt me and
verbally assault my family, then you’re right, it’s not worth it to me to hold that
title. While I understand that you don’t agree with my decision to work
towards repairing my family, as my friend, you should have respected it.
Ideally, as a good friend, you should have supported it, but I understand
that this would have been asking too much.
—————————————————————————
It has taken me a while to really absorb that you thought and took
everything I said or wrote to you at face value. Wow. That explains so
much.
You should talk more with ***** about it. In particular, ask him about the
conversation wherein I…. no, actually, here, just have the log:
[begin paste – June 21st, 2007 – googletalk with *********@gmail.com]
10:20 PM me: i actually like —–. problem is, i don’t think he can just
accept that i like him and am not trying to … hell… i don’t even know.
i can guess, though.
*********@gmail.com: but if this is an issue now
not trying to ?
which kind of power?
10:21 PM me: we’ve been talking. a lot. shoulder and such. i don’t think
he’s used to someone just being good to him. just being a friend. i think
he thinks it is impossible or something. and it’s starting to make me feel
weird for even trying.
*********@gmail.com: hrm
10:22 PM he
is in a turmoiled time
but i have known him a LONG time
and he is usually in flux
not good, not bad
but
that is how he is
of course
we’re speaking in generalities
10:23 PM honestly
hrm
me: you have no way to know this, of course… but i’m buddhist. and part
of our tradition is that we love everyone. really. and i just don’t think
he’s ever heard the word ‘love’ that it didn’t have some kind of hook in
it. which is sad. but has contributed a lot to the communication problem.
i didn’t realize when i told him i was a friend, i care and love him, that
… well… it would be translated into some odd ‘what’s her
motivation’ thing.
*********@gmail.com: ja
naw, didn’t know you were buddhist
but yes, i hear you
what do you know about his personal life?
me: and it’s been nothing but a heartache (compassion, not requitedness)
ever since.
yes
10:24 PM he’s scared shitless. not without reason, of course.
10:25 PM but there’s this odd resistance to leaning. which means friends
can only be friends so far… then he either falls into guilt for not
being able to do it all himself… or he falls into suspicion about ‘what
their angle is’.
i recognize it. came up pretty damn hard myself.
*********@gmail.com: ja
our ideals
well
me: so anyway
10:26 PM a point at which presence becomes impediment.
*********@gmail.com: have you talked to him recently?
me: so i remove the impediment.
i talk to him every day.
and most nights.
*********@gmail.com: impediment?
me: me. my willingness to help. it is actually an impediment at this
point. he just can’t accept it. or believe it. i’m not sure which.
perhaps both.
*********@gmail.com: maybe
i haven’t talked to him about you
10:27 PM mainly b/c we don’t talk too often
maybe a couple times a week
and then briefly
but what we did discuss, i know he likes you and is impressed by you
me: (nod) i know you have known him pretty much all his life, which is
why i’m even talking to you on this… i reckon i need insight. or something.
*********@gmail.com: if
me: yes, i know.
*********@gmail.com: he’s trying to shut you out
me: yes, i know.
*********@gmail.com: i kinda doubt it, actually
me: not deliberately. reflex. i know that, too.
10:28 PM *********@gmail.com: unless he’s afraid of you getting attached
or vice versa
i mean
hell
life is possibility
but
right now
it’s not what he wants or needs
so more likely
me: well, you can only say ‘it isn’t an issue’ so many times. then, when
you see someone still thinks it is… you have to prove it beyond words.
thus…
*********@gmail.com: it’s just the chaos of life
ja
the thing is, too
hrm
10:29 PM i think it’s the chaos of life
10:30 PM me: we had the like… 20th ‘just friends’ talk already. i reckon
i’ll just keep nodding and smiling until he can believe it. or not.
(shrug) but i do know that being at wp was getting in his way.
*********@gmail.com: aw fuk
20?
hr
hrm
would you describe yourself as a hands on manager?
me: heh.
*********@gmail.com: maybe he’s not sure where to put you to help
honestly
i mean
we started this thing
me: it’s mostly him fretting and me trying to tell him it isn’t
necessary. *********@gmail.com: he does a lot fo the back end
10:31 PM i kept i going during a lull
me: i know. been qa’ing and helping on usability
*********@gmail.com: and we’ve had some help along the way
but no one really committed unless they burned out pretty fast
so
we know we have to build a team
we really do
me: and he’s talked to me about editing and publishing, but doesn’t
exactly trust me enough yet. i won’t burn out… but he doesn’t believe
that either… no one ever does. (shrug) i’m used to it.
*********@gmail.com: but i don’t htink he has had time to think about it
since the new site was built
hehe
10:32 PM i think we need to hold a monthly or sooner mgmt (? hate that
word) meeting
and work this out
i’ll see if i can snag him, too
figger out what’s going on
thanks for spilling, tho
me: was helpful to me too. so thanks back at cha
*********@gmail.com: ok
10:33 PM me: yeah, i know
*********@gmail.com: let’s think on it for a day or so
me: heh. i think all the time. i gave up a very similar site of my own
making to come to WP.
10:34 PM but i’m a doer, not a talker. and that site is stagnate for being
six years old. things need to be set in motion. i know he doesn’t have the
time. so …. what next?
*********@gmail.com: ja
that’s exactly the dilemma
the trick
is how to build structure into our lives, personal and professional, to
keep the site going
we need to break out the tasks and everyone pull
and we need redundancy in site administration
10:35 PM b/c otherwise, it’s a thousand-piece fragile web
which is also no good
b/c none of us can do it full time
but part time isn’t good enough to really make it what it could be and
it’s amazing now
me: <– before she was a marketing guru, she was a highly paid management
consultant whose speciality was project management, usability and design,
and process engineering.
*********@gmail.com: it could, really, change the world if it was humming
along
aha
10:36 PM so yes
ok
i need to crash
me: nod.
*********@gmail.com: but let’s continue this
thansk agian for spilling
i’ll see if i can grab him over the weekdn
me: rest well. you know how to reach me. and i, you. good luck on the job
hunt…
*********@gmail.com: tx
over weekend, i will try to break out a task list
see how many pieces there could be …
also,
i don’t know if you’ve spoken with stone
10:37 PM but he is also down
me: be gentle with him. he’s feeling very much incapable lately.
*********@gmail.com: oh yes
me: yes. and he will be pissed to know i’ve left. didn’t get to say
goodbye to him.
*********@gmail.com: yes
me: i’ve been talking with almost all the regulars behind the scenes.
*********@gmail.com: so log back in
me: building the foundations.
can’t
account is deleted. would need to be recreated by someone behind the
scenes.
*********@gmail.com: ok
well
10:38 PM if you create another one
you can rack the delete up to user error later, if you want
and i’ll be none the wiser
me: no need.
be easier to just have an admin reactivate it.
*********@gmail.com: but one piece of this puzzle
is your relationship with him, too
you two need to communicate on the same wavelength
i’m not saying you’re not doing your part
you completely are
but it could be him, too
b/c
me: friendship that freaks him out. and we are often ON the same
wavelength… but that is actually part of the problem.
10:39 PM *********@gmail.com: i don’t sense that we’ve solved anything on
that score, although we’ve discussed the WP team
“but that is actually part of the problem”
?
ah
i think i get it
yes
i get it
yeah
me: let’s just say… well… hmm… how to put it…
*********@gmail.com: and he’s in a tricky place now
me: we connect.
10:40 PM *********@gmail.com: ja
me: and yes, he is.
*********@gmail.com: i get that
me: i offered more help than he could believe was possible from a human,
let alone ‘a stranger’… and by the time i figured it out, was too late.
he was well and fully spooked.
10:41 PM story of my life. heh. you have no idea.
well, perhaps you do. links. (grin)
and would have done more.
*********@gmail.com: be coy 🙂
me: not who i am.
*********@gmail.com: think of it as a skill
me: hah
*********@gmail.com: not an identity
as a business consultant, team engineer, you can get that
ja?
10:42 PM it’s not weakness
i don’t mean coy
i mean
THESAURUS
THE LARGEST THUNDER LIZARD TO WALK THE EARTH
AND THE MOST VERBAL
me: there’s a difference between conforming to make a living and having
to do so to be friends… it feels like dishonesty. i suppose that’s an
unusual way of looking at it, but it’s mine and i will admit it.
[end paste]
Not that you’ll ever believe more than you want to, and not like you ever
had the trust or faith necessary to believe other than badly of me… but
for the record, I only offered to come out and help you raise your kids
because I knew you’d never in a million years accept it.
And I only challenged you about returning to your wife because I knew your
pride would never allow you to as much as try unless you could feel you
were doing it in reaction to someone else or as a complete and utter last
resort.
The things known of you required it and, because I was, in fact, being a
friend to you, doing what was required was important.
Succinctly, no one is happier this has happened than I am, and it is a sad
fucking testament that you could possibly think otherwise — let alone be
someone who could set that forth as ‘reality’ to others.
But, admittedly, this too was anticipated… hence the keeping of the
archives and logs against the day when it was known you would pull the
‘burn the bridge’ routine. Go back and re-read my reply to that, —–.
Maybe someday you will actually allow yourself to see it was more than
anticipated or suspected, it was expected.
Asking too much? Yes, you definitely have and did. You asked me to be your
friend but what you really meant (because what you really did) was for me
to be your landfill; a convenient place you could dump your mental and
emotional trash until you could figure out how to take care of it
yourself. Actually, until you were willing to take care of it yourself.
What acid you received from me was more than appropriate in reaction to
the stunningly callous abuse of friendship offered to you. That you in any
manner see it otherwise is neither unexpected or surprising.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
If you have treated your other friends in the manner in which you chose to
treat me, I’m not surprised that you have few of them left. There’s no
reason for one to maintain contact with a person capable and willing to
use
such venom towards someone they claim to care about.
————————————————————————–
What venom you received was well deserved and delivered precisely at time
of need. That you seem to have expected anything other in light of events
and the reality that – through it all – you were never arguing with anyone
but yourself is…well, telling.
But to the point, the venom was not ‘at you’ but at your insistence upon
playing this idiotic game called ‘gee, i dunno what i want’ and expecting
me to both support it and, apparently, nourish it over and above my own
reason.
I knew from the start that you wanted only to return and the only question
that was EVER in play was how long you intended to deny it to yourself.
There was, of course, the supreme narcissism of timing, but I long ago
realized your concerns were for yourself and noting otherwise. Thus, it
was wholly expected that the first time you got a dose of your own
medicine, you’d do the whole ‘horrified withdrawal’ thing. You had
mentioned more than once throughout our interaction that this
cycle/pattern had been rather common in your relationships (albeit, you
always portrayed them as being everyone’s fault but your own).
Perhaps in your world, friendship means no power but your own, but
frankly, for the rest of the world, it means doing what needs to be done
when it takes that to get through to someone. Bluntly, if friendship in
your universe means always being the one to deal the cuts and never taking
them, it’s hardly a universe I care to partake of and I suspect I’m not
the only one that seeks distance and silence upon the discovery.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
I’ve several friends of 20 years and more who have been with me who have
been with me through more than our fair share of ups and downs, including
emotional circumstances more difficult (yes, much more difficult – you
don’t have a monopoly on pain) than the one you’re currently in, and we
have never attacked each other in such a way, and certainly never when the
other was offering help.
—————————————————————————
Interestingly, I too, have several friends of 20 years or more who have
been with me through more than our fair share of ups and downs, including
emotional circumstances far more difficult than the one YOU are currently
in, and we have never abandoned one another when our egos got chapped or
when anger arrived as it will occasionally do.
Your error in assuming is your own and frankly, it is indicative.
You see, people who have normal, healthy relationships both understand,
accept, and forgive their friends when they are human. In fact, that’s
kind of the foundation of what a normal, healthy relationship is about…
The sheer arrogance and callousness of you in the above paragraph in
particular speaks so very clearly to the reality of you. I thank you for
it, as it saves me an inordinate amount of what would obviously be wasted
time.
I don’t have a monopoly on pain? Consider me chuckling… the only one who
would ever attempt to say such a thing is someone who thinks they do.
Again, unsurprising.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
That being said, I understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. I do not
accept responsibility for those feelings, as I warned you about the issues
surrounding my life and my emotional state at every step of the way. I
repeatedly suggested that you protect yourself. I also made it clear to
you
what I could and couldn’t give, and what I could or couldn’t accept. At
each point of indecision on my part, I advised you to make your choices
based on your needs, not mine. As such, claiming that you’ve been duped is
disingenuous. You knew exactly what you were getting into at every step of
the way.
—————————————————————————
This is funny. For many reasons. You have no idea what I felt or feel and
And I never asked you to take responsibility for anything other than
yourself. Pity you couldn’t manage even that.
Your need to justify yourself says a lot more than you seem to think. And
believe me, I see it very clearly. To turn your phrase back to you, keep
your psychodrama to yourself. Not only did I never need it, it is among
the uglier parts of you and I am thankful to see it early… saves me a
lot of pain and wasted time. Much appreciated.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
I also understand that you were in a state of extreme distress, however,
this is not an excuse for attacking those trying to provide you support –
regardless of whether you think the help they offer is what you really
need
or not.
—————————————————————————
“I understand you were in a state of extreme distress, but my feelings are
more important, therefore, fuck you.” Yeah, —–, I get it. Thanks.
However, I need no excuse. You sent me an unmitigated mess of self-pity
disguised as some manner of commentary on life, and sprinkled a few links
to jobs over it in the mistaken impression that sending me job listings
when I had no effective way to reach them was other than the most bizarre
cruelty imaginable.
Help? I didn’t ask for your help and certainly did not need it. What I
asked you for was much simpler… and you couldn’t manage it. As I said
before, better to know early than late. Once again, thank you.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
As a point of order – Valenius/Lisa is an old friend of Kellie’s. They had
been out of contact for about 9 months both due to her issues and those
that
Kellie and I had been going through. Her arriving on the site when she did
was coincidental, and she reached out to you not knowing who you were or
any
of the context of the situation – she simply wanted to get involved with
Wild Poets and thought you might be able to help. In fact, she doesn’t (or
didn’t, before yesterday) even know that Kellie and I weren’t living
together anymore. So no, her contacting you was not improper, nor was it
anything other than someone trying to start a conversation.
—————————————————————————
Considering you do not know the full exchange, I find this both amusing
and naive of you. But it doesn’t matter beyond being the rather expected
reaction of a habitually blind eye. (shrug)
—————————- Original Message —————————-
However, from what I gather, the type of reaction you had to this is par
for the course with you – as I had come to expect given your description
of how you walked away from your job, what you did in relation to Scrytch,
how you chose to delete your account from Wild Poets, and how I suspect
you react to adversity in general. Regardless of whether you feel those
actions are justified, the ultimate effect was that they ended up hurting
you much more
than the original insult ever did.
—————————————————————————
And this, also, expected… never enough for you to stop with the insult
of assumption, you must add to it the injury of layers that speak more to
your own need to see ugliness than anything. Your issue, not mine.
For the record, I left WP and revoked my licensing to you because you have
quite clearly demonstrated that you have not even the slightest iota of
how to separate work and relationships and between your inability and your
wife’s lunacy, it was no longer a place deserving of my support.
Your peculiar blindness to your own issues and your willingness to allow
wholly inappropriate behavior to continue unchecked demonstrates precisely
how and why that place has been little more than a slow bleeding corpse
for seven years. Frankly, it will never be more until you’re not running
it. But I suspect you cannot or will not see that, either. Your pride is
and will continue to be your downfall.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
If you want this cycle in your life to stop, ——, stop acting on your
anger, because all it does ultimately is hurt you and those who care about
you. I understand that given the circumstances of your upbringing, your
anger has served as a tool to protect yourself against the pain caused you
by people who did terrible, horrible things to you throughout your life.
But
it has ceased to be a useful tool for you, and instead, has become a
addictive club used to beat away your problems and insecurities rather
than
deal with them in an effective, mature manner.
—————————————————————————
I ponder the glee with which you set up your little soapbox and make your
pretty little speech. Then, with a chuckle, say the only thing one can
possibly say to this manner of intrusive and assumptive insinuation….
physician, heal thyself. You neither know nor understanding the first
thing about me and your eagerness to convict and dismiss speaks more of
you than it ever will anything else.
You judge me using your own fears and values to determine “who I am” and
“why I do as I do”. That you end with errors is no one’s fault but your
own, and that you think they are anything other than telling of you is…
well… just sad.
—————————- Original Message—————————-
In fact, I bet right now, you’re saying to yourself “Anger? You haven’t
seen anger yet, asshole!” And you’re right – I haven’t seen how bad it can
get, nor do I wish to. Nobody does – not even you, I think, regardless of
how much it would distract you from the pain and need you feel.
—————————————————————————-
Actually, what I said in that moment of first reading was, “A pity he
doesn’t realize how much he reveals in what is being projected here.”
The only anger in this rested in the realization that I have not yet
overcome the habit of letting broken people bleed on me. But even here, a
thank you, because you’re just one more in a long, long line of bleeders
that are helping me accept the pointlessness of doing it. So, thanks.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
See, I didn’t back away from being your friend because I stopped needing
you, or because you were going through a place of desperation and need. I
backed away because you struck out at me, and because the extremity of
your
anger and the actions that arose from it hurt, frightened, and angered me.
I was never your friend because of need, —— – although I freely admit
at the time we started talking I did need someone to talk to, and that our
interaction helped ease that need. I was your friend because I wanted to
be
your friend, because it was good to talk to you, and because there was a
mutual benefit in our interaction. If I had been there only for what I
needed, then I wouldn’t have continued our interaction past the first
week.
I thank you for the support you provided during that time, but it was
never a condition of our friendship.
—————————————————————————
You were never a friend. You have no concept of what friendship is…
which is why the only friends you actually keep are those at distance, and
why those you will place the label upon keep their distance from you and,
at best, interact only at need. You lean and bleed and demand everyone
around you support you without exception and at their expense…. and
wonder why they prefer distance. Projection is an ugly thing, —–….
but yours is not my problem, nor will it be so.
Just because you strike using passive-aggressiveness rather than the more
obvious sort doesn’t make your strikes any less ugly. And just because I
bitch slapped you when you were hoping for support in your pity parade
doesn’t mean I wasn’t a much better friend than you deserved… but
understanding you much better now that you’ve actually been honest in what
and how you think, I don’t expect you’ll ever actually understand that.
Which is fine. I no longer need you to do so.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
Real friendships aren’t built on need. They’re built on the shared joy
that two people encounter through their interaction with each other.
Expectations of need only degrade the joy shared. This doesn’t mean that
needs can’t be fulfilled through friendships, but trying to build one on
the basis of need is like building a house on quicksand. It will always
fall.
—————————————————————————-
Real friendships are built on many things… among which are trust,
understanding, and forgiveness. You never had trust, you demonstrate
clearly that you had no understanding, and in this final act, demonstrate
you have no idea of forgiveness.
Shared joys are but one aspect of friendship. Shared sorrows, shared
pains, shared terrors…. there are many, and friends share them not
because they have to but because they choose to…. but you choose only
joys, don’t you, —–? Everyone is required to submit to your dumping of
all things, but for you… forever and only flowers.
Yeah. Right. Whatever.
You were never a friend, —–. But I had hoped you might become one.
However, I count it more a blessing than a pity that my hope for such a
thing was unrealized. A cutter of self and soul such as you are in this
moment is the very last thing I need. For now and perhaps forever, I am
well rid of you.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
I can’t fill the need you have. I’ve never made that claim. The only
person who can give you what you need is you. This doesn’t mean I don’t
sympathize with your pain, or recognize the tremendous hole that was left
in you through the betrayals of your parents and grandmother and the
subsequent cascading traumas that occurred due to their selfish actions. I
also recognize that due to their small-minded idiocy, they left you
without the tools to safely discover how to fill your own needs, and that
you’ve compensated by trying to be the helper to those around you, in
hopes that one of them will both discover what you need, and give it back
to you in a show of gratitude. This is not going to happen. I don’t say
this to be cruel, but because it’s fact, and operating under the illusion
that someone
else will be able to fix this for you is only harming you. Until you stop
looking to others for fulfillment, this cycle is going to continue to
repeat, and get worse each time until it ultimately consumes you.
—————————————————————————-
You say it because you think it should be said. It is yourself that you
say it for… the words are meaningless to me. They are meaningless coming
from you. You never knew me well enough to know how ludicrous the above in
relation to me is, or why the fact that you could even write it says so
much about you and among the many things — how pointless it is to make
any further effort to be in any way connected to you.
The things you have said here state what you need to think. Your warped
need is not now, nor will it ever be my concern. The things destroyed by
it are better destroyed than to live and grow only to be this fully
undercut by you in future. So once more, I am content and once more, I
thank you.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
But I have faith in you, ——. You have an exceptionally strong spirit
and mind, and I know that you can find within yourself the care and love
that you need. But you have to stop this destructive cycle before it’s
possible.
As long as your compassion arises from your need, it will taint every
manifestation of kindness you try to bring into being. And yes, your
compulsion to help others is a manifestation of this need. You need to
help
yourself before you can truly help anyone else.
—————————————————————————-
Save your sermon for the mirror. For that matter, try reading this to
yourself sometime. I suspect it will do you good. Here, it is only a
reminder of the manner in which what rests within a person inevitably
taints all things around them.
You have no faith in me. Had you, this manner of atrocity would be the
last thing you could do. You know nothing of faith but that it should
always come to you from others. I wonder, albeit briefly, how long it will
take for you to realize faith rises from trust. You snapped the thread of
trust given you, you do not deserve it and have no interest in its repair
and thus are you revealed by your own hand. And for it, once more, I thank
you.
Maybe, someday, you will actually comprehend the disservice you do me with
this mass of projection. But that isn’t what I hope most for you. What I
hope most for you is that you realize the disservice you do yourself in
it.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
This being said, our friendship is at an end. I have my own life to attend
to, and I cannot walk with you further down this path without further
damaging my own life and putting it in danger of being harmed by your
anger.
Due to your actions and volatility, I don’t feel comfortable sharing my
life with you, and will not force a friendship upon myself that I don’t
feel safe in. Plus, it’s obvious that my presence in your life is only
serving to continue this destructive cycle. It’s my hope that you can
manage to end it,
for your sake and the sake of those around you, but making myself
available for continued abuse and drama on your part helps neither of us.
—————————————————————————
A friendship that never began cannot end. (shrug) Justify it as you will,
and if you understand nothing else, understand this — there is no drama
here but what you created and no abuse but what you’ve dealt. I have done
what I knew needed to be done… regardless whether or not you might ever
do more than scoff at it. You see, despite your obvious belief to the
contrary, you’re not the only one who sees things, knows things, or walks
the multiverse. Attribute it as you like, it doesn’t matter. The one who
needs to know, does and you can dress it in any pretty little words you
like, but the outcome is what it is.
May the karma you create by your choices be instead delivered to me. May
the results of your actions be blind to your presence and know only mine.
May all suffering caused on all paths turn to find my feet, and may I, for
the taking of it, lessen the spiral of all sentient beings.
No, —–, you never understood me, and I realize now, you never will.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
I recognize that you see this as a failure on my part to maintain a
friendship, but to be blunt, you were the one who struck the blow that
ended
it. While I tried to take my space and see if things would calm enough to
the point where I felt comfortable interacting with you again, it’s become
evident through your actions in recent days that that this isn’t going to
happen.
—————————————————————————-
The surest sign of guilt is the finger pointing ‘blame’. Your inability to
communicate and your deceit in relation to forgiveness is your weight to
carry, not mine. I see nothing in you or of you. There is nothing to see.
Will you understand that? Really understand it? Maybe. Someday.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
In the interests of fairness, I would like to either return or compensate
you for the laptop you sent me. While I appreciate the gift, its obvious
you
feel that I used you by accepting it. If you send me your current address,
I will ship it back to you, or if you prefer, pay you the fair market
value on the machine.
—————————————————————————-
Unlike you, when I gift someone, be it friendship, care, or material
things, I do not attempt to recall them when events or happenings are not
to my liking. May it serve you well, as it was intended to do. What care I
have remains, and what friendship might have been will be mourned as all
needlessly slaughtered things must be… beyond this, nothing.
—————————- Original Message —————————-
I wish you good luck, ——, and I hope that you manage to work things
out in your life so that you have some real happiness and fulfillment.
—————————————————————————
Save your wishes for someone who needs them, and your hopes for things
that will benefit others. What benefit you might have granted here you
refused and what benefit I could bestow was weeks ago given. You have many
hard steps ahead, most you cannot yet imagine. May what is needed to
deliver the lesson to you in lasting ways arrive quickly, may what is
needed to benefit those who are dependent upon you arrive swiftly, and may
you forget your pains as well as you forget those who refuse to give them
power. This, as always, my hope for you.