this last week is a bit odd for the changes happening in the head.
it has occurred to me that i am spending my days waiting for family and friends to be more active in my life.
i think i’m tired of waiting.
in fact, i know i am.
this jump to an unexpected place when i had ‘decided’ there would be no more such jumps… i begin to realize there’s something inside me that is tired of the waiting. not willing to do it anymore.
actually a bit on the disgusted side for having spent this much time on it.
too long have i been willing to live for others. my daughter. my son. my friends. i have waited for all of you to make room for me. make time for me. grant me even the smallest space in which to be the ‘norm’ or display any interest whatever in doing so.
i am tired of being let down by you.
i am tired of being disappointed and winsome for all the things we could have that you never seem to want enough to act upon creating.
i am tired of waiting for my life.
my life is here, now, and i am not going to spend any more of it waiting on you. i love you. so very, very much…. but i am not willing to die for you anymore. not willing to sit here in limbo and wait for you to do more than watch from distance and silently maintain whatever it is that keeps you there.
i am not willing to beg anymore. i am not willing to wait anymore.
i have let many things pass me by that i might have savored but for feeling i should wait for you.
it ends here. now.
if you prefer to be there, away, quiet, and with only whatever you have running around your head, so be it.
i am not sitting still anymore. i am moving on and this time, i’m not waiting for you.
if you want me in your life, you know how to find me. and i will not be pleading to you anymore. it is your time to do more than be passive. or not. as you wish.
this time, here and going forward, i am first for me.
no apologies, no guilt, no regrets.
if you wish to be part, i am here. if you do not, so be it. i will no longer cross the line from the middle way to chase you. it is your turn and time to do more than watch me try while you hold back. or not. as you wish.
done is done. be in my life or be out. up to you.